Question:
Hello Adam.
I am struggling with this. It's now been three years something happened and a certain person was the cause of it and has continued to hurt me. They have used and abused me and I have allowed it because they are family.
Without going into too much graphic details. I just want peace now. But instead, they have turned me into this bitter, twisted, angry, resentful soul. I feel so angry all the time. I feel incredibly stupid because I allow them back in my life, because I care about them too much to let go. The hatred I have for them is such a huge burden. I wish to release it all. Let it go.
I want to forgive, but I don't know how. They keep coming back in my life and these feelings come back with so much intensity, because they are basically abusive and psychopathic. Manipulative and very subtle about it.
I don't know what to do. I know I don't want to become this nasty, judgemental person that they are. I don't want to be as toxic as this person. It scares me how much hatred I feel inside of me for them, just whenever I even think of them now, I feel it.
How can I forgive? How can I let go? How can I stop hating?
Your help will be greatly appreciated.
P.S I try to avoid them, but I always feel for them in their hour of need, and I feel happy to help.
I then get sucked back into their black hole, but once they gain strength, they are like these emotional vampires and suddenly I am left used, abused, confused and completely drained. And the scary thing is, they act like they don't know what they are doing, but I know they do. Even when confronted, they completely gaslight me (make out I am the crazy one and that it's all in my head!) Yet, I have witnesses that notice their covert and sneaky behaviour.
What do I do in a situation like this? Apart from losing my own temper, and then let them win, just to look like the crazy one that they provoked in the first place!
Lianne.
Response:
Hello,
Thanks for your message, the main thing is to just forget about anyone else for a moment, or the ideas you have about other people, and just be with the actual experience. You have to start by forgiving yourself, which means allowing yourself to have this hatred inside of you. It already is inside of you, so to try to take it away, or to condemn it or avoid it in some way is just going to make it feel as if it is stuck inside you.
Would you say that you feel resistance to this hatred, that you actively want it gone? Allow this aswell. In a way it is a necessary stage so that you can move beyond it.
So: let yourself feel how you feel. Often we feel hatred and then say “no” to it, because it is uncomfortable, or we are told it is bad, or we know on some level that it does not help us in any way. But until it is fully given its own space, it will always feel as if it is stuck in a conflict, one part of you hating, the other part not wanting to be hating. So allow the hatred, without calling it hatred.
Yes it will feel uncomfortable at first, but don’t clamp down onto anything or try to resolve it. Give the actual energy its own space to be. It may take over thinking for a while. but if it is given space, it’s like its fuel begins to run out, and it is clearly seen, without condemnation, that it is just self-harming.
All of this, as you have implied, can become one big energetic pattern. It is all one. The energy appearing as “other” that feeds off of your energy which leaves you feeling a certain way, usually exhausted and resentful or hateful. Then it somehow comes around and starts all over again. So how do we break the cycle? First notice the cycle. See it as one thing. No need to make it so personal. It is more of an energetic thing. Then it is important to give other people space. We started by giving yourself space to be, to experience whatever is there, to be the space for it. Now, give the ”other” some space.
When we don’t let people have space, then we often feel as if it is our duty to swoop in as quickly as possible and fix their problems or ease their insecurities at our own energetic expense. Of course helping people can be a natural movement, but if you don’t give people space in the first place, then you aren’t really helping them.
By giving someone space I do not necessarily mean never talking to them or seeing them. I mean literally, as you see them in your mind, give them space. If you see them or speak to them on the phone, give them space to exist, the same as the space in a room allows the furniture space to be. Give the person space to be. You may see then that you don’t owe the person anything, and the tendency to be continuously sucked into their drama is not helping anyone, it just perpetuates the cycle.
When you allow the moment to be as it is, everything is automatically given space. You are the space that it plays out in. From there you may find that your words take on a deeper power, or you feel inside that there is nothing you can say. No one owes anyone else anything. You don’t have to be a fixer of people’s problems as soon as they try to give them to you. Your only job, (although it is not really “a job”) is to give the moment space to be, which includes the people and the words within it. Then you no longer feel as if you are a little energy trapped in a whirlwind of drama. The pull of it all begins to weaken.
So, a short answer to all of this is that if you can not let go of hate, then you let yourself hate. Let it be there. Let your self-hatred be there, or your self-resentment for being apparently dragged into all of this. Let it all be there for a moment.
This does not mean that you just “stop caring” about a person, but you see that you were not made to just carry their burdens.
The hate that you experience is not as personal as you may think. Perhaps there is a kind of transfer going on, where they feel full of negativity, and then they basically give it to you. Then they charge up again, and they call you so that they can give it to you again. Different people would advise different things for this, such as energetic protection, feeling yourself protected and surrounded by a protective orb of white or blue light. This can be helpful, but it is also valid to mention the power of interest.
If I come to you and tell you about your favourite thing in the world with information that you were not yet aware of, then I could pull your attention in completely. If I started to talk to you about a topic that you found utterly boring, then I could not hold your attention. If you were not interested in being polite, you might just walk off or start doing other things.
So it is good you have become tired of all of this drama, because it means you can now lose interest. You don’t owe anyone any explanations for it. Just become bored of it. You will see that it is all of this person’s mind, creating stories, fuelling them with belief and then making them seem true. See that when they speak with you, nothing is happening. Notice that if you do not just go along with your own imagination as they are speaking, it is like they are dreaming, living in a dream world and trying to get you to join in.
When you next speak with them, use it as a cue to feel yourself from within, use it as a reminder to feel the breath or the body from the inside. This will help to not let all the attention go out into the story, and is easier when you are giving the other person some space.
This has already turned in to a long response. So I will leave it there for now. But if you want to add anything below, then feel free. If your question is strong (as it was above), then the answer is usually strong as well.
Thanks,
Adam
Comments for How To Forgive And Stop Hating!
(from previous website)
May 06, 2016
Response
by: Jean max
let me tell you how sorry I am to read this. Holding unto hatred and hurt for others is actually something that you do unconsciously when you don't have a grasp of the situation. Everyone in this world feels a victims of other people's actions. This not just once in a lifetime but as you surround yourself with other people there is always a 50% chance that you might be disappointed with some of them. It's part of living following the trend. Also it is normal that you feel the hurt and hate deeper has the pain came from a family member or loved ones. The closer and the more the expectation for an individual, when disappointment arise, the more the pain.
But what if I tell you that it doesn't have to be this way!?
as you should know already, humanity is built upon a system created by and for the self! Everyone feels that they are the principal actor in this world. It's always about you to you, me to me. Everyone else around is supposed to be our teachers or some kind of bringer of lessons. (Who ever hurt you feels the same)
Not to ignore the importance of the previous comment on here, but the key to let go is to understand what had appended to you and the true reasons behind the person whom hurt you. Immaturity and innocent actions such as you holding unto hanger sometimes is no different then the actions that was done to hurt you.
Unless the person you speak of has gone mad and lost his mind, something must have triggered his actions whether in the pass or while he hurted you.
There can't be live without understanding!
May 07, 2016
To Jean
by: Lianne
I don't know how to take your comment.
I hope you don't take offence or find me being rude: You have no clue about my situation, how can you even judge it? I understand perfectly well about the situation I am in.
You say I need to let go. Okay, please tell me how to do that? I am open to any suggestion. Wasn't that the advice I was asking Adam in the first place? How to forgive and stop hating?
Maybe you should re-read your own comment again and realise deeply that maybe it is you that actually projects the lack of understanding.
I came here for advice and help, not a hard time or to be stated the obvious.
I would rather you asked actual questions regarding my situation, if you want to state your opinion, give advice, offer helpful comments, etc. Rather than make very harsh assumptions.
May 13, 2016
Thanks Lianne
by:
Thanks Lianne for having the courage to ask that strong question so publicly. Thanks for willing to be so vulnerable. You have voiced the plight of many humans who suffer from some degree of hatred either against people, or some life circumstance or some world issues like terrorism, bullying...... And in the process suffer from varying degrees of pain depending upon the intensity of their hatredness. But we often sugar coat that through other less intense words. It is great that you chose to be so direct and authentic and so true to yourself. That is the biggest step to healing. Congratulations! For moving towards a more authentic You. That is a great healing- when you recognize that within you and don't justify it anymore to satisfy any false image of the society...... Or of your own ego- you come out as your own healing mother who recognizes the pain and cradles the hurt child. You don't need anyone's understanding but of your own- and when you no longer sugarcoat- you are there so open and vulnerable for the healing power of the universe to work. It is so wonderful how all this pain, life circumstance and our very hat-redness burns us from within to move towards more awareness and greater healing and stronger compassion.
The hatredness is there for a reason! Don't try to drive it away before its time else you will miss the chance that the universe chose for healing that energy that afflicts thousands. Let it burn You and awaken you. It is a gift- don't throw it away. Anyway - the universe loves you so much that even if you want to throw it away- it won't let you- till the work is done and the awakening is more solid that life's circumstances or people can't take it away. The universe wants to give you more strength and power and compassion through this. Accept the gift and let it work its way through.
May 16, 2016
Thank You to last comment above
by: Lianne
Thank you for your kind words. You didn't leave a name. I resonated with your words deeply and understood them.
Thank you again. Your words are appreciated and I needed to read/hear them.
May 20, 2016
Update
by: Lianne
Hi Adam,
I have an update. I am no longer in contact with the family member and have followed your advice about letting such feelings be there (and not act on them in any way - just feel) I think this is what you were trying to guide me with.
I have noticed the feelings are becoming less turbulent, but new feelings follow - such as worry, guilt, along with thoughts - Am I doing the right thing? What if there will be consequences of no contact.
I know you didn't advise me to go no contact, but to stay with the feeling and just be aware of them and how they feel. I unfortunately couldn't do that. I felt no contact was simply the better option.
I have been sitting with these guilt and worry feelings and anxious thoughts. They change day to day. I still have no idea if I have did the right thing for them, but I certainly feel I am doing the right thing for me. The hatred inside has died and I feel more compassion for them, since distancing myself from them. The space I give them seems to clear my mind and understand them more. I think this is why I now feel guilt, worry, with thoughts of - Am I doing the right thing now?! Because I have gave myself time and space. I am still struggling with forgiveness, but feel it maybe is a process. But thankfully, the hatred has gone.
I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I am taking your advice to now just sit with these new feelings, because I know if I will get back in touch with them, I will be back to the way it was. I feel I am changing, but they are not and I am slowly finding peace with that.
If you have any other suggestions, it would be appreciated. If not, thank you for your advice and I felt the urge to update you with what's happening now.
Thank you again and thank you for a very helpful site. The work you do is amazing.
May 20, 2016
Update
by: Adam
Hi Lianne.
Thanks for the update. it is always helpful to hear how people are getting on.
If you feel you are doing the right thing for you, then that is the most important thing. I am reminded of a Mooji quote where he said something like: "If you do what feels right in your own heart, it is impossible for it to be bad for someone else."
It seems you are fairly easily led by intuition, which is good. You felt it was right to go no contact, and this still feels right. I imagine it feels right in your body, in your heart, but old, perhaps negative thoughts in the head come in and try to second-guess it or work it out.
If it feels right for you, that is the most important thing. Everything flows from there. If you are living from a place feeling that something is not right for you, then even what you do will be contaminated in some way, lacking any natural power or effectiveness.
It seems to be a bit of a fact that you can’t please everyone. Perhaps somewhere you still feel responsible for them. If so, see that there is no way that you can be responsible for them. You can’t control how they feel, no matter what you do.
These new thoughts you mentioned will hold more power when it is believed that they can help, or if it is believed that you can find an answer though them. Intellectually, on the level of thoughts and conclusions, it is not really possible that we can know what is ultimately right, especially for someone else. What we think of as negative, such as someone breaking contact, might mean that someone then no longer relies on the other as an emotional dumping ground. We don’t know, so don’t try to know, if possible. Leave it to the universe. it sounds like you know intuitively that this is right, so merge deeper into that. There is no way to figure it all out in your head.
You may start to sense that these new thoughts and questions and worries are actually not so important, they seem big and significant when we take them to be serious and important. Maybe don’t assign them with such value automatically. Experiment with a sense that you don’t know what they mean, or what they are there for. See what happens then.
Thank you for your update and you are welcome for any words that could help. If you feel you have more to say, or any other updates you would like to share, then please feel free.
All the best, for now,
Adam
Jun 08, 2016
Latest Update NEW
by: Lianne
Hi Adam,
I hadn't spoken with my family member in a while and suddenly this urge to get in touch with them happened. I would be seeing signs everywhere around me about meeting other people with compassion. I even convinced myself that if I was compassionate with them, that we might actually repair our relationship.
I now realise this was a very wishful feeling/thinking. I called them on the spur of the moment and even took responsibility for MY actions and MY part in all of this animosity. I asked if there was anything I can do to make this relationship better/easier. Instead, I was met with anger from them, hostility, aggression, insults, judgement and that in fact they actually do believe it's all my fault and that I have hurt them!
I went quiet in complete shock. My mind took over and so did an enormous amount of energy feelings inside the body. I then reacted in a way that I will probably regret. Every feeling of hatred and resentment came back up, I then snapped and gave them back what I was really feeling. I told them there is a way to treat people and their lying, cheating, abusive ways was not it. That they have to be aware that it doesn't have to be like this for them. I offered myself to help - AGAIN! (They did admit to me that they are now losing everyone and they have returned back to their toxic relationship that they do not even want.) When I offered to help, to do anything they need - This was when I was met with defence, anger and told I was hurting them. They even blamed/shamed me and made it out to be all my fault they were this way.
Adam, this person I speak of is my younger sibling that has a troubled past, like I do. They live life by taking drugs, drinking heavily, attacking their friends, family (including myself), cheat on their partner with married spouses and are always losing jobs. They have admitted the only way to get through this life is to fight back all the time. I don't see it this way at all. We both struggled with our path, but I still believed in love, fairness and understanding and seeking help if and when I can. My sibling doesn't. They believe the hard way is the only way.
What is worse, this sibling I speak of - I was brought up and made to believe I had to look after them all the time because our single parent simply didn't want kids and would neglect/abandon us a lot. I was always made to feel incredibly responsible for my siblings actions. As my sibling got older, they got worse. I of course believed this was all my fault. As I started to go on my own path and do what I felt was right - I would be blamed and shamed by my family, because they would say I was being selfish and wrong to leave my sibling behind, because they chose the worst path of all!
I have since lost family members and all that's left is my sibling and I. I have tried with them, but all they want me in their life for is to let them off the hook, turn a blind eye (but I can't)so that they do not take responsibility for their bad behaviour/actions of their drinking/drug taking as well as all their assault charges they keep getting and cheating with married spouses.
After the last call we had, I feel okay. It's almost like a relief that I don't have to deal with their wayward ways. But, their is this core belief that my family reinforced in me is still operating within me (even now). It's like if I walk away, something is bound to happen so horrible to them (it has in the past, many times - from their self harm and suicidal tendencies, I have saved their life countless times). I feel I will be blamed and shamed because of it or worse, I'll suffer the consequences of THEIR actions. Because I walked away. I don't know what to do for the best.
I am now aware of what's within me. I probably know the actual solution and answers - but this core belief within me is very difficult to witness and not put belief in to anymore (because the belief is always reinforced and made believable). It was instilled in me since the day my sibling was born and has been operating within me, reinforced for the past 31 years. I have only started to become aware of it now and even then, the awareness doesn't make the belief any less believable.
In an idealistic world, if I had more self-belief and self-worth. I could easily walk away untouched and non-concern. I would see this for what it is. I choose to live my life my way and they choose to live theirs in their way. But instead, I don't think or feel this idealistically. I am torn and split in half. I now know why I feel hatred, unforgiving, angry, upset, etc. Because in truth, I am not to blame, I haven't did anything wrong - yet the truth is, this is how I feel. I feel I am to blame, I feel I am in the wrong, I feel ashamed that I cannot help them, I feel scared I might lose them and I feel hurt that I am totally powerless and helpless in such an unfair situation.
I hope this makes more sense to you what is actually going on. I would be very grateful for any advice. Your advice in the past has made me fully aware of everything I am aware of now. I just hope feeling all this will eventually end this 30 odd year of misery and feel more freer and lighter.
Sorry for the long read. Thank you very much for your time. I am eternally grateful for your time, patience and guidance.
Lianne.
Jun 10, 2016
Lianne NEW
by: Adam - InnerPeaceNow.com
Well, it comes back to just letting yourself feel how you feel. Ashamed, miserable etc., rather than trying to change how you feel to feel better. See what happens if just for a moment, a split second, you let yourself feel how you are feeling, without interpreting or storifying the experience...
Jun 10, 2016
Thank you. NEW
by: Lianne
Much appreciation for your words.
Jun 27, 2016
encouragement NEW
by: Judy
Lianne, you are on the way to healing, you have let it all out, now continue to do the work of just "being" each one is responsible for their journey, regardless of their choosing. I am being helped by Adman's guidance to follow the path of non resistance to each and every aspect of life. You are on your way. Peace!!!