Emotions Within Relationships

by Jason Brundage
(Mt.View, Ca, USA)

Question:

Hi Adam,

I have an attachment/want and need for affection in the form of love (not sexual intimacy) but the kind that is nurturing and passionate. When two people really love each other to the highest degree, and one person naturally shows and produces this affection, and is somewhat stuck in a holding pattern from the other person not reciprocating (because they may not be capable to show or feel the same back ) - I (the one showing love) instinctively want to move on, run or end this. Not because it's anyone's fault , I accept that person's decision, but believe intuitively to move on. Am I crazy or is this me being disturbed by emotions? 

Jason B

Response:

Hi. I don't know. I can't give you a definitive answer. Perhaps it is a kind of defence mechanism that says "well if you don't show me love then I will just leave you", or it may be something inside that just does not see the point of maintaining the relationship if the other person does not feel the same way? The fact that you mentioned "run" could show that you feel some hurt or embarrassment, and you want to get away from what triggers this feeling? Maybe you don't enjoy a relationship that is not mutually expressive? Perhaps you are unfairly demanding energy from someone else, and do not like that you can not get it? I don't know.

It would be all a lot easier if you stopped expecting someone to give you anything. If you just gave it up, you would be so much happier and probably have better relationships. Another way of approaching it is to not demand your need for affection to be met, so that you are no longer trying to satisfy it, no longer designating such importance to it. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but without trying to satisfy cravings such as these, and instead simply allowing them to be there, then they begin to lose power.

It can be normal for a relationship to often be built on "you give me this and I'll give you that", but when you continue to be dependent on someone else for love or affection, you will always feel like a beggar. It is also a tendency that can actually stop people from opening up around you, because they may feel as if you take all of their energy. The love is already within you, as you, but when it is sought elsewhere, it seems to be elsewhere. I don't want to force this too much, however, since your question was not about your wanting affection from others, it was why you want to run or end the relationship.

Just let yourself feel however you feel would be my advice. I can not help you analyse yourself very much. If you let yourself feel how you feel, then all the rubbish can not stick anymore. If you want to analyse your feelings, however, then they will stay with the idea of yourself, you will feel stuck in the mind, stuck in concepts.

Not sure how much this answer can help you, but thanks for getting in touch

Adam

Comments for Emotions Within Relationships

(from previous website)

Sep 30, 2014
Feelings 
by: Jason b. 

Hi Adam , 

Thanks for your words,you really hit the nail on the head.i beleave this is about learning how to deal or reciprocate to myself in affection.which I'm doing,in the emotion part.my feelings and affections are the most important part of my everyday exsitence as I trudge in the moment of love to others and I ,this will be an experience that I look forward to have and sit with ,and to not take it to self ,but to embrace it within . I will let the natural state of life and love come as it's presented to I. And enjoy all forms of it .and further more your book undisturbed is my guideline for this journey of mine....thank you very much.. 

Aloha .j.b.