From the childhood I was so obsessed with ideas about death. While reading philosophy I came across one of the importatnt discussions quoted by Albert Camus "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is whether to commit suicide or not "
Following that I've becomed obsessed with intrusive suicidal thoughts but not the ideation. Many existential questions start ruminating in my mind.
This obsession and existential questions caused me both depression and anxiety which totally tormented me.
Daily I wake up and start to think about existential questions in order to find answers for it.
Please help to overcome this suicidal obsession and the rumination about the existential questions.
There is a voice in the head which speaks, which goes over all of this again and again and gets nowhere, and you think that the voice is who you are. But you can hear the voice. Just hear the voice, that’s all you have to do. You don’t need to judge it or try to break away from it. Just hear it if it speaks.
If you try to stop it or fight against it or suppress it, then it will feel stronger. Just hearing it passively, without interpreting it further will naturally break identification with it, and so it will lose energy.
Also be open to having no answer, no intellectual understanding. The human realm of thought is far too tiny and limited to comprehend the whole universe, and so if it attempts to understand it, it becomes painful at some point.
Also see this page on dealing with suicidal feelings:
Hope that can help,