I consider myself to be a good person...a good human being. But of late I have realized I scream, shout and act so violent verbally that after I have finished speaking all the muck, I begin to hate myself for doing it. I have no idea why I am behaving like this. Maybe a hectic schedule, work and looking after a toddler keeps me so busy and I get frustrated at the end of the day. I don't know if you can help me. But I am seriously in need of help or I might damage myself :(
It may be helpful to view it as pain energy. Not yours, not personal, but pain energy, which seeks to renew and regenerate itself by feeding off of pain, creating more pain and suffering for itself or others. Eckhart Tolle calls it the "pain body". It is an energy that strangely enjoys pain and resistance and separateness, and it arises by itself, without much choice on your part.
Of course the pain arising is not comfortable, which fuels resistance further, and even more pain may come about as a result of you believing that what happens around you is the reason for the pain inside you. Also naturally you want to release this pain from inside, so it may get shouted out and dumped on to other people. Then when the energy is released, or the pain body has had its "feeding" of pain, then you realise what has happened and are suddenly more aware of how nasty the words may have sounded, or the pain that you caused another. And then, a different cycle of pain energy arises and plays out, called "guilt". Things like "why did I act like that, I shouldn’t have done that, why am I so awful" etc.
So, when pain arises in you, don’t automatically take it to be yourself. See that it is energy arising by itself, of its own accord. Extra resistance to the pain also arises by itself. Let it be there. Let yourself feel angry or hateful, if that is what the moment presents. This does not mean that the feelings are correct or trustworthy, but it also means you need not condemn yourself for feeling any particular way. Do not push the pain away or try to get rid of it quickly. Let it be there. It may even feel as if it is somehow consuming you, in the cells of your body. Be the space for it. Do not see it as "wrong", or "bad".
There is still nothing wrong in expressing how you feel, but this first part may take the harsh snappiness out of your reactions, which may not be very useful for the situations (I assume they don’t help very much). If you still end up screaming or saying something nasty, let that be as well. Do not identify with the reactions, they are all spontaneous energy movements. If the guilt comes later, rather than trusting it so quickly, just let it be there, notice its hunger, its attempts to draw energy and belief into itself to help it grow larger. Again, do not condemn yourself for feeling any certain way.
Of course this pain energy can build up during a busy day without you realising. Little events that maybe don’t agree with your expectations can build up and build up until they create a considerable force that later feels like it needs to be released.
If you try not to shout, if you try to control how you react, decide how you should react, then it may create an immense tension in your efforts to control quite unruly energy movements inside. So rather than control or decide how to be, let yourself feel how you feel. When you let yourself feel how you feel, there is more space around emotions, less constriction and tightness. A degree of lightness, even if heaviness is still present. It is the resistance which hurts the most. If annoyance rises in the mind, the resistance or condemnation of this is what creates more layers of pain.
You are already conscious enough to notice your reactions, noticing the pain inside. You are already the awareness of reactions. Many people may be so asleep that they can not even hear themselves reacting, they don’t even know what they are doing. So you can be grateful that you are awake enough to notice behaviours acting and moving. Once you see they are not your possessions, they will lose their strength, perhaps gradually.
I don’t want to overload you with words, since words can create their own problems too. Let me know if that helps, or if you have any extra questions.
Comments for In Search Of Inner Peace
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Oct 26, 2015