Missing Someone - Long Distance Relationship

by HBK
(USA)

Question:

Adam - I'm in a long distance relationship (US to New Zealand). I met this girl while traveling for work. It was before I had started learning about spirituality through your website and Eckhart Tolle's writings. But even then after just talking to her for a few moments there was something inside of her that I recognized as present in me. It was as if she could reflect back to me my own inner being better than anyone I have met. I told her about these things before I knew what the words meant.

Later we both started learning together about living in the Now and how the ego operates in humans. The relationship became a spiritual practice for us and still is today. Staying present while being apart is sometimes a challenge. We also have to avoid the addictive aspect of relationships which is using each other to cover up past and present pain. I can't say we are perfect at these things but at least there is awareness of when it happens. And I've read awareness is all that is needed. 

So my question to you is this. She just visited me for two weeks. It was her first time in my country. I've been to her country twice. She has only been gone for two days but I am aware of the negative emotions inside of me that her absence has created. Don't get me wrong, I have had moments of presence. One such moment was through a sunset. I felt the connection to the universe through that sunset, immediately recognized that connection as the same one that connects the two of us, and felt peace knowing that the connection still exists even when we are apart. Am I failing though in my spirituality because I miss her?

The emotions come. I allow them to be there. Is it possible that they are somehow necessary in this moment? Most people would say this is a natural response. I will see her in 3 months. And in another 3 months she will hopefully be with me on a longer term basis. We both are extremely confident we will make it. But in this moment we are both missing being physically together.

Response:

No you are not failing. I might suggest that these feelings are not being completely allowed, because you perhaps still wish to fix them or resolve them or make them go away? I’m not saying that it is wrong to do this, but be aware if there is still a part of your mind which is condemning the feelings or wishing they weren’t there. 

Sure it is normal to be experiencing these kinds of things. When you surrender to the feelings, it will become clear whether they are helpful or not, whether they actually bring the two of you together again faster, or if they just create pain for you. If you label any part of your experience as “wrong” or “should not be happening”, then there will be some trouble and conflict inside you, and feelings will seem more solid than they really are. But if you remove judgement of yourself, then there may be some space, or some sweetness beneath them.

It is easier to just not know whether these feelings are necessary or not. If you don’t know, then there is space.

It sounds great that your relationship is a conscious one, where you can share the same kind of resonance with this topic. One possible way to look at it (if you require one) is that the relationship is currently ensuring that you two are not dependent on each other for peace or happiness. Perhaps it is showing that in you which by itself feels incomplete? I’m not sure, but use it to realise your wholeness already. 

With that said, all sorts of feelings and emotions can still come, but without resistance to them, they are no longer a problem, even if they remain for a little while.

Adam