I recently read your advice to a person asking about the 'I Am' meditation.
I don't know how to word it, but I hope this makes sense with what I am about to say.
I went into the I am awareness/space and of course to begin with I found nothing. I found that thoughts were also nothing. I am is nothing, yet still awareness in itself. I found that the stillness can actually help to quieten the mind down. I find that if I am persistent, yet not straining with the I am awareness I feel less anxious, worried, stressed. . .but do notice these emotions, mental chatter don't necessarily go away.
I wonder if you can help me with something. My mind tells me that if I am to discover the absolute, the I am. . .there is peace. But I have found that the stillness can be there but a lot of turbulence, especially with the emotions inside of me. I don't know if since doing this I am meditation that a lot of things I have pushed down is now coming to the surface. I try not to buy into the mind and I watch and observe it in the I am awareness. The mind can be quite powerful as if it has this gravitational pull - especially towards the fear of death and annihilation. I am almost tricked every time by the mind. Something inside keeps telling me I haven't got it yet. But, I don't know 'it' is I have to get.
To explain it a bit better I can sit and meditate and watch the chatter of the mind, but already there is a sense of uneasiness inside my body and awareness of around my body that soon begins the mind to worry about what it is going on. I sometimes stay with this but it gets too much and I have to stop and distract myself from such worry. It's as if the mind is trying to predict something bad is going to happen to me and it stirs the emotions so much that it makes it convincing and believable.
It's almost like I am still needing some kind of reassurance that if I keep going am I going to be okay? It's definitely a fearful feeling to push myself into the unknown and not know what I am really looking for.
All of that is fine. Indeed turbulence can come, thought-storms, even what can feel like physical pain. I see it as the old stuff being ejected, so allow it to all do whatever it wishes. The belief that you are an entity or an object that is a victim or controller of any of these energies is what causes most trouble. Be the "I Am" itself, rather than the attention or sensation that moves in and out of it.
It can feel like there are energies trying to pull you away from being, but what are they pulling at? Every thing pulls at the idea of self, or an energy of personality that has been built up over time - but this solid "me" isn't actually solid at all. If it is investigated, it can not actually be found. Test this yourself.
Everyone addresses you, generally, as a thing, as a person, a separate entity, so this feeling of being a particular thing can remain for a while, but don't give it any importance or belief when it plays out. You did not personally create it, so it is not your job to personally destroy it.
Everything that moves inside will seem important, but it is not. Realise that whatever you say about mind/thought/sensations is already too late - the interpretation comes after the movement itself. See that everything inside is coming and going, so is not important.
So just don’t bother about anything that is troublesome. Give up trying to manage it or work it out. Fear may come, and the idea of yourself may well drop off. This is where the fear comes - "will I be ok?" - yes, the experience of "ok or not" takes place within you, rather than you being stuck in the experience. Can you see this? The fear comes from the false self, which fears its own disappearance. But whatever appears or disappears, does so in an unnameable thing, which is not a thing.
Words can't do it justice, so to directly answer your question: all is fine, turbulence and things like this are good signs. Something is being shaken and released. The impersonal being is not affected, and is not interpreting anything. What is it that feels separate from the sense of being or "I Am"? Is this separate, object-like self a reality?
I don't really feel as if you need any advice, other than to say "yes, that's all fine".
I hope that helps, please add anything below if you wish to ask anything more.
PS - don't believe any conditions such as "there should be peace" or "there should be no thoughts" - this keeps you feeling small, like you must control experience. There are no "shoulds" or "should-not's". Sages will still experience sensation and thoughts, but there is not an entity that believes it is stuck inside all of it. "Peace" is also something open to interpretation. For example, the absolute peace of deep, dreamless sleep is not sensation-based, like a peace that you may experience when awake. So forget all of it. Forget about yourself, as well. Don't try to achieve any state, don’t try to create or get rid of anything.
One more thing to say that may or may not be helpful to you, is not no longer rely on your personal strength. If there is meditation based on personally trying to discover, be free, or work something out, it will feel more congested. Give your strength up to the universe itself, which is one with the boundless "I Am".
Comments for The "I Am"
(from previous website)
Apr 17, 2015
I'm very grateful for your reply. Namaste.
Apr 19, 2015
You're welcome, Namaste.
Apr 20, 2015
by: Kathleen Suneja
Thank you for sharing this wonderful article. All the world needs inner peace right now, there has been so much happening already that conflicts from a long time ago seems never ending. It has been a cycle of hatred that we become oblivious to. Inner peace solves the problem by taking us individually to the path of self preservation and realizing the value of our self autonomy. We share the same goal, that I hope we can work together for our common goal. I have my website at www.iamthechangeiseek.org
Have a great day!