My name is Liam and I have been feeling suicidal and having suicidal thoughts and urges. They have wavered in intensity for the past few weeks so far and recently becoming worse again.
I am a self harmer and have attempted to take my own life many times before.
I feel tremendous amounts of helplessness, hopelessness, deep despair, inner core pain, reliving traumatic memories, suffocating in emotional turmoil, dread the panic and fear I feel on a daily basis.
It becomes emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting and robs me of sleep, willpower, appetite, sanity, rationality, logic, common sense and peace. I have witnessed so much trauma in my life since childhood right through into adulthood. My only experience of life has been forms of severe cruelty, abuse, hurt, pain, and endured so much traumatic experiences. Within time all of this eventually led me to not trust anyone, which only left me feeling very alone, lonely and isolated.
I was looking for help again today and I came across your site. I noticed a question and answers section and felt drawn to seek your help. I know that suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. And the truth is I don't want to die, I just want to live in peace. Not rest in peace.
How do I find peace? Is there such a thing as peace?
Thanks for getting in touch. I’m not sure how much I can help.
It might sound harsh, or counter-intuitive, but trying to feel better will probably just make you feel worse. Sensations, thoughts, emotions are coming, and then the reflex of resistance, to try to escape it all or to try to make them better or resolve the thoughts, will keep you feeling more and more like you are someone or some thing that is stuck inside of it all.
All of these feelings take on a huge pulling power, like they just suck in attention and feed off of attention and resistance. Once the attention goes into them, they become bigger than they really are, like if someone looks very closely at a small thing, it suddenly becomes world-like, much bigger and complex than it would have seemed if they had just ignored it. An example would be an insect. Someone may overlook it. But look closely, and it can become a huge, fascinating thing in someone’s mind.
So, to withdraw attention from these kind of painful energies is difficult to do by force. It is hard to just ignore them and put attention elsewhere, because these energies just suck attention towards them without you doing anything about it. Attention does begin to relax, however, when you no longer argue with the present experience. The main suffering is feeling a certain way, and then having a reaction of “No, I want to feel a different way.” Surrender to the experience. See the inevitability of it, that it has already appeared inside, so to fight it is futile. This takes some element of humility, or even apparent weakness, to say “ok” or “yes” to the experience without fighting against it. It goes against what we usually learn in our day to day lives.
Let the thoughts, feelings and sensations be as they are. They are content, transient if you give them permission to be as they already are. They are transient even if you resist them, but not resisting them will automatically show that they are not as permanent as they appear to be. I am not saying anything should disappear or leave. Let it do its work, stay as long as it wishes. If there is an openness, a gentle embrace of whatever is, then the suffering, the conflict and resistance begins to diminish.
Don’t aim for a particular way to feel. This will leave you in conflict. Be aware that you are not only in your head, you are not located at any specific point in the body. Feel your body, feel the breath moving in and out, see that you are not located at a specific point.
Does any of that resonate with you?
Comments for Can One Find Peace With Suicidal Feelings?
(from previous website)
Jan 26, 2016
Wow! Eternally grateful.
I literally have tears in my eyes as I read your reply. Yes, it resonated with me deeply and the tremendous amount of relief I felt.
Surrender to me always meant I would attempt suicide until completed. So, I would - like you said - fight against it and battle against these feelings. Which brought on more resistance.
I was obviously drawn to your website question and answers for a reason. I asked for help and help was given. Thank you very much. I still feel those many feelings even now but somehow some kind of shift happened inside. Does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't matter if it makes sense or not.
What you said made sense. I have so much gratitude. Thank you over and over again.
Jan 26, 2016
by: Adam - InnerPeaceNow.com
I'm glad it was helpful for you, and yes what you described as the shift in yourself makes perfect sense. If the feelings become stronger, like intensely coming back in waves when you least expect them, then don't worry, you are not doing anything wrong, but sometimes this can happen as part of the release process, old energies bubble up, seem bigger than usual, and then if not offered resistance, can leave more easily.
If you ever need to return to ask anything else, then please feel free, but the words above are the foundation of everything. Most of what I say is just an extension or different version of what I have written above, so they can serve as something to go back to if you ever feel the urge.
Thanks for getting in touch, of course you are welcome,
All the best,
Jan 27, 2016
A few questions NEW
Just an update. Firstly, with this surrendering that's happening. Like, letting things happen/go?! I kind of want to say that I didn't have a choice with what is/was actually going on, but instead of looking it from a victim mentality/perspective with the no choice of what's going on, the suffering is nowhere as bad as it has been. The feelings and sensations are still very intense in the body. Acceptance to what is has given this shift inside. It has slightly took the fear away and if there is fear there, somehow I feel okay with it being there??! It's very hard to explain, I hope I'm making sense.
Secondly, today was a very intense day. To the point I felt consumed and overwhelmed with weakness. It was like blood was draining from my body and I was going to pass out. This lasted for maybe 20 mins to half an hour. I was very aware and even aware of the stories inside my head about it - kept telling me it was death, you're dying, etc. Then it passed. After it, I felt shaky and trembling. I went back to your comment and re-read the whole lot and you mentioned about a process. What process are you talking about? Do all human beings go through this? Is this process necessary?
Also, can I just thank you again for the advice on these brutal suicidal feelings. Like I said, they are still there, but something has been took away from them, Or this shift that happened has helped. You mentioned previously that I had made sense. Maybe you have experienced this yourself? Anyway, big huge thank you to you, because the feelings are coming in waves and intensity, but I continue to re-read/remember your comment and it helps.
It was just today that new symptoms began. The weakness, palpitations, feeling I could pass out (although I didn't) but being aware of it just seemed to help. Noticing I am not in control of none of it. I didn't feel that I was being pushed around from a force, I just felt I was there as a witness to it. Anyway, I got very intrigued by this 'process' you talk about and wondered if this is happening to all human beings and what exactly is it.
Thank you again. Liam.
Jan 27, 2016
by: Adam - InnerPeaceNow.com
It’s just something that can happen when old energy is released from the body, that’s all. Doesn’t always happen, but someone can feel they ‘must be doing something wrong" if these feelings return, but that is not true.
There are no specifics about it, just sometimes feelings return more intensely in waves. But as you said, they come and go by themselves, and when that is noticed, they are naturally given less importance. Everything is transient.
What you explained makes sense, yes, so just let that continue as it wishes. i don’t want to add anything else, because you don’t need it, and more stuff I write would just be more noise.
But again, you are welcome, and I’m glad it has been helping.
Jun 27, 2016
Hi Adam love your site.
Liam when you are having feelings that you are going to die its usually panic attacks. When this happens its very useful as Adam say letthe thoughts be, dont judge, just observe, but you should integrate the awareness of your breath while doing this. Remember every emotion is sustained by a particular rhythm of breath and a specific thought. If you are aware of your breath and slow it down with awareness and focusing only in the breath and also let the thoughts pass without judging the emotion can not be sustained. For example if you are mad your breath is strong and fast. The same when you are sexually aroused with your partner the breath is fast and very short. Be aware of your breath and the emotions will subside. If you are in peace your breath will be very slow and calm. The breath is a key element in experiencing peace. Blessings to you Liam.