I wonder if you can help me. Lately I have been internally seeking the truth of who I really am.
As I have witnessed thoughts, emotions, memories, sensations etc. all pass, I still have a constant background feeling or more so an urge of resistance to all this I notice. This resistance feels so powerful, it convinces my awareness that I am this resistance, I've became it and there is no way out.
Contemplating internally I am aware that something in me can get caught up with the noise and thoughts. When the body is in pain, I am aware of the pain, the constriction, the intense energy and notice a battle happening inside the mind/body - beginning it's story telling of how it should be. That I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should be doing this or that. A lot of should be's going on inside the mind. Then I get tricked into like the awareness I am becomes the mind and battling with myself. I know it sounds terribly confusing. I don't know how else to explain it.
My issue is I understand that I cannot control emotions, thoughts, physical sensation or pain and nor would I want to. Everything arises and I am the witness to it, but the being able to see beyond this illusion, to get passed it, to change my perspective? I am not even sure what it is. Basically I just want to hear the truth of who, what it is I actually am, to make sense, find clarity, but lasting clarity - not just a moment of insight, then it fades and the mind wins by telling me - see, there is no such thing as freedom from the mind, you cannot and will not free yourself from me, no matter how hard you try. . .because I can only see I am like this audience to life, this body I reside in and to the bullying mind and I feel very disconnected, so I start feeling that I am doing the internal seeking wrong. Maybe asking the wrong questions. Maybe my attention is in the wrong place? Maybe I will never attain enlightenment?
The mind to my awareness is like the bully and continues to trick me into it's truth (which is always negative and makes life unbearable to live) and when I choose to put my attention elsewhere (distractions) or ignore it, even when I just simply accept it - it's like aches/pains and feelings inside start attacking the body and I am being tortured to believe the mind to be true. It's so convincing that I get caught up in it. Sometimes, believing the mind seems easier as it can keep it quiet for a little while but another contradictory urge inside me happens - to be free, to see the truth, to become awake.
How do I do this? Or am I simply mad? Or is this victim mentality? I am realistic in my thinking that I know finding freedom and enlightenment doesn't mean it's an end to mind and body pain, but to me - it means not minding what happens and not seeing things in good or bad terms, but I can't help being so black and white, so logical, especially when I feel so much intense pain inside of me.
Thank you for your time and I appreciate any kind of reply.
P.S I want to wake up now.
You have explained it all very thoroughly and have kind of answered your own question. What is your question?
“Everything arises and I am the witness to it, but the being able to see beyond this illusion, to get passed it, to change my perspective? “
In response to this part I would say that there is still the idea that freedom or enlightenment is something that has not happened yet, that it is an event in the future, after which you will be released. But as long as it is seen as a future event, something that you are striving or waiting for, then it will always feel like that - a future event that you are waiting for. Introspection etc. can still happen, seeking can even happen, but notice, perhaps that it is just like any other seeking, seeking for an event or a happening that will save you. If possible, if this is the case, let that idea go. It is only another concept
“…another contradictory urge inside me happens - to be free, to see the truth, to become awake.
How do I do this? Or am I simply mad? Or is this victim mentality? I am realistic in my thinking that I know finding freedom and enlightenment doesn't mean it's an end to mind and body pain, but to me - it means not minding what happens and not seeing things in good or bad terms,”
You have many ideas about what freedom is and perhaps what you can do. But what you are seemingly aiming for, is the realisation that actually there is no-one to “do” anything inside you, no autonomic, independent controller of the body.
You did not create the body, you could not build a liver or a brain or a heart even if you tried. All of this, the body and thought and sensation existed before the idea of “you” emerged, and this emergence of a separate self says “what can I do to be free?”
Do you see the strangeness of it? It is not personal to your case, it just tends to be what happens. If this does not make sense, if there is still an unavoidably strong sense of doership, then perhaps, if possible, do not condemn anything at all within you. The foundational resistance, is it you? Who is it appearing to? Who is bearing the pain of it all? Is there an entity suffering all of this, or is it all the experience of emptiness? Are you actually something stuck in the mind, or are you nothing, in which all of this appears and disappears?
Resistance is fine, don't resist resistance. Let it be there, it is not an enemy, nothing is an enemy to eject from yourself.
There is still an element of control operating, as if you feel you must control an aspect of yourself or your experience. There is no need. No need to perfect yourself, or what you take yourself to be. See that everything has already happened, every energy movement, every thought, has already appeared, before you can even comment on it. “You” are too late!
It can feel like thoughts are not up to you, but feeling stuck in them is up to you. But is it? Is anything your personal responsibility if it happens before you can even react to it? Allow yourself to not need to react to the content of experience for a moment - the world, yourself, sensations. They already are as they are, so leave them, let them be as they are without any more interpretations. Even things like “I get tricked by my mind” is just another story, a load of thoughts. What if there is no mental interpretation of your experience, what if there is no story about what is happening inside? Then is your question still valid? What if there was nothing you had to do about anything? What if there never was? What if the only trouble was the resistance, and then believing you were responsible for resistance? What if everything is fine as it is, even the complaints of the mind?
So your initial question in the title, was how do you wake up now. You are awake, already. There is nothing that you can personally do to bring about some shift that maybe is being sought. It must be let-go into nature, see that you are not the builder or the maintainer of your body, see that there is already an intelligence operating there, as it does in all of Nature. Surrender into that intelligence, if that resonates, without looking for a result of what you can get afterwards. How to wake up? Stop believing you are doing anything.
Ultimately it is not up to "you", it is a universal movement, a universal shift.
Hope that can help,
Comments for How Do I Wake Up, Now?
(from previous website)
Jan 25, 2016
How do I wake up? NEW
by: jit biswa
When you are aware of the working of your mind, I believe the process of being " Awake" has already begun!! Be compassionate with yourself and with your mind too. Just let sunraywatching of your mind objectively be the way of your life. I think being constantly watchful of your mind can ultimately be of help to know oneself.