My name is Janet. I have experienced and witnessed great trauma in my life that has an impact on my day-to-day life. It has affected me on a deeply fundamental level. It has turned my inner world upside down. Shattered every belief I have ever had. My inner core has felt like it has been destroyed and all that is left is witnessing and awareness. Yet, I never feel safe in this world. I never feel safe inside this body. I don't feel eternal and in my present moment my body is wired with so much turbulent, stressful energy. Thoughts race and insomnia always follows. Relationships all around me have began to suffer.
I have reoccurring nightmares, flashbacks of many traumatic events in my life. I stay present and ground myself frequently, allowing anything to rise as much as it wishes. Yet, it never eases. It will plateau at best and shoot up rocket high levels at worst. These energies soon cause the body to experience a great deal of physical pain. I lose hope and faith the more and more these energies inside the body continues. My present feels such a burden. My existence is like crawling and dragging my knees through the rock bottom pits of hell. I wish for peace. I don't even know what peace feels like. I wish to feel safe again, just like I did as a child, but my inner core has been shook and the result that I am left with is this sheer horror and terror on a daily basis.
Have you any insight or words of wisdom for me Adam? Your reply will be gratefully appreciated.
Well, I don't know what to say. If there was truly a surrender, then it would no longer be an issue if these things were still arising. I get the sense that there is still suffering happening, rather than these things simply arising. Be very aware of the resistance to the past trauma that still arises, any kind of negative stories or wishes that they didn't happen. These things can feel normal, and can go on unnoticed because they have taken up the background of your life for a while, but as of now, they just create suffering.
You don't have to stop resisting or wishing the past was otherwise, but notice that if there is resistance, whether or not this still helps you.
Anything in the world can never truly make you feel safe, because everything in the world can change. There is nothing that is guaranteed to remain constant. That isn't to say the world is bad, but perhaps for a moment stop expecting that you should feel safe, and see what happens when you surrender to vulnerability. If the physical body can be destroyed, then you can not find any real safety in it. It may sound strange, but what happens if you stop wishing for peace? Or if you stop wishing to feel safe? Let me know by commenting below, and I can always add something else if there's more to say.