How To Get Better At Acceptance?

by Alexa
(Boca Raton, FL, US)


I read your blog and recently purchased the book, "Undisturbed." I think it is the only way to deal with negative thoughts/emotions that come up out of nowhere. I read your book/website every night and feel like I understand the process of accepting negative emotions when they arise and not reacting to them, however, when they arise it is a different story. I feel them there (thoughts, anxiety, urges to overeat, etc.), I know that I didn't choose for them to be there so I know they aren't real, and I know they will pass, but I have a really hard time detaching from them in the moment. I try to just be the space for negative thoughts/emotions, but I find it hard to function in daily life when they are there. Later when I feel more at peace, I realize I just got caught up in them and I prepare to handle them better next time I have a negative emotion. This cycle repeats itself every day, and I think its just because I have a hard time accepting them. Is there a way to get better at accepting negative emotions? Is this something that gets easier with time?



Hi Alexa,

One thing to remember is that when you take this “path”, so to speak, when you are more aware of the inner patterns of negativity rather than completely identified - then these patterns can increase in intensity. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but it’s worth mentioning for anyone else who may be experiencing it.

When some negativity gets more intense or more charged, it can quickly trigger the reaction that “I must be doing something wrong”, or “I’m not doing it right”, and then a whole new resistance and struggle begins, trying to work out or get better at accepting something or letting something be.

When really, the increased intensity is good news. It means the energy is having to fight more for survival, or that it is rising to the surface to be released, so is felt more acutely.

So something to remember is that there is nothing wrong. No matter what the experience or however much you feel trapped witihin it, the idea that you are not doing it right is not true. It is just like a trick that keeps you feeling stuck within all of it.

Don’t decide what is negative and what is positive. Don’t decide what thoughts or feelings you should have, and which you should not have. Don’t be like a gatekeeper, or you will just become exhausted.

In fact, the thoughts etc. already are allowed, but the sensation of being a “me”, a separate self, is by design a resistance mechanism, so it finds it extremely diffcult to accept things. The sense of acceptance is just when this contracted, object-like sensation of being a particlular person drops away, or is also seen as just another appearance, just another sensation arising in the space.

So there is nothing to actually “do”, but the energy of the separate self only understands doing, action and movement.

On the other hand, yes it gets easier, but don't panic if it all gets worse, as I just explained, it is actually a good sign that the old stuff is struggling harder to stay alive. If you try to separate yourself from it, it will still feel as if you are creating a “little me” that is standing apart, as an object, from all other objects. Don’t try to separate yourself. This may sound contradictory to certain teachings or even things I have said in the past, but it may be right for you to hear it now. Don’t make or create a self for yourself.

If you try to get better at this, if you prepare in some way for the next time it happens, then it makes it all seem much more important than it really is. All of these apparently troublesome energies love to be taken seriously, it gives them great strength. If they become something to think about when they are not even arising, then that's even better for them. I understand that your urge to be free of it all may well be intense, so naturally you want to work out or prepare for the next “wave” of suffering, so you won’t suffer so much. But the most intense suffering is the desire for it not to be there, or even the desire to be free of it.

When pain is there, a sensation of dense energy inside hates the pain, feels swamped and hurt by it, and wishes to be free of it. This is the case whether someone is spiritual or not. Pain is like a burning fire for the ego, and it screams when it feels it is in the fire, or in the pain. If some instruction about all of this is given, then the ego takes it and says “Ok I will do that. Then I might be free from this terrible stuff that I can not control, yet makes me suffer.” When really, the sensation of a separate person, a body that lives inside the body (usually just behind the eyes) is itself the illusion.

I don’t know if all of that will resonate for you, but hopefully it might help. 

If you read your question back, notice that there are the emotions, urges etc., the space it all arises in, and then there is this “I” who is trying to do something with it, or is trying to not do something with it. The "I" can not help but react to negativity. The “I” feels stuck between the space and all the other sensations. But the “I” is just another sensation, that perhaps can be dropped for a moment. Once the little “I” arises, it becomes a sufferer and a manager of things, it feels caught and trapped very easily, then decides it must find freedom. But the freedom is already there, in which “I” arises.

The “I” zooms in on content (sensations, forms), and interprets and resists them. That’s just what it does. But is this the truth of what you are?

Thanks for your support of the site, and feel free to extend your question below if you wish.



Comments for How To Get Better At Acceptance?

(from previous website)

Jul 23, 2015
Acceptance in ego trap 
by: Chris

From my experience the very effort we put to be more accepting keeps us a trap. And it seems in my case, it is out of a belief that i am suffering because i am not really accepting it hard enough. The intensity of resistance and suffering seems to increase with awareness and conscious efforts but who is suffering is only again ego ,let ego suffer if there seems to be suffering.

Jul 23, 2015
Thanking Adam
by: Chris

Adam, I found your reply great , though i am not the questioner here(i had previously asked question on Fear,anxiety and Overthinking Energies) 

Initially i found acceptance helped me in releasing some energies but then, 

My condition got worse when i actually started being/acting 'the god who accepts fear energy etc' now i feel there is actually nothing i can do,if fear is of high momentum and i can't openly accept it then there is nothing i could do ,except to flow with what my ego defense mechanism does. And this is actually helping me to be a little bit more open. 

Trying to accept and release the energy makes it hard and trapped again in ego. 

I am now little open towards my suffering (but this is being natural yet through force of life situation), Let ego suffer attitude is experienced in me. 

I hope i am carried in the right path though it is unbearable most days. 

Thanks and let love & peace find and reach everyone

Jul 24, 2015
by: Alexa


Thank you for the helpful response! 

So it definitely is true that since I've started being the space for unwanted thoughts/emotions and not getting wrapped up in them, they seem to have quadrupled in strength. It's strange actually because before I began to detach from these negative energies/thoughts, I would sometimes go a few days without any, and they did not feel nearly as strong, but now it seems to be every couple of hours. 

I know that it shouldn't even matter how long they last because if I'm detached I'm free, but I don't think I've arrived there yet. I can watch the thoughts and emotions come up, but I do not feel free at all in the moment. I feel extreme discomfort even though I am detached, if that makes sense. I do, however, feel free once they've passed because I know I did not let them take over me. All I can do is just keep watching these emotions, know they are not my fault or in my control and just go on with life the best I can. It really helped to hear that an increase in strength of the emotions is normal at first, because that is exactly what I'm experiencing. 

Jul 24, 2015
Question within Answer? 
by: Raj


Is it not true that the reason we want awareness and peace is because we want to avoid suffering in the first place. Is that not the hidden agenda? And when the vibration behind is that, how can we be free? And if we are free in first place, what are we trying to be free of? 

No matter what we do, or not do, if vibration is to get rid of something or avoid something, it will not work. And that seems to be the driving force. 

I am not offering panacea, because I myself suffer from it. But the only people who did not seem to be suffering, who have no clue or concerned about movement of their minds or thoughts or seem to be bothered by it.

Jul 25, 2015
by: alexa

I also would like to point out that I feel there really is nothing to do, because I don't think we have any control of how we view things sometimes. For example, sometimes I can easily accept my emotions. I can so clearly see that these emotions and thoughts are not true and I can function completely fine with them. Other times, I will get so wrapped up in them and no matter how I view things it all looks horrible. What am I doing different in these situations? Absolutely nothing. There is no mantra or quote, or anything I can pull out that will resonate with me in that moment. Even accepting the emotions feels awful. The more I try to find a plan for what to do in those situations and the more I try to avoid them, the more they tend to show up and the longer I'm stuck in them. It becomes a whole confusing mess. Then I will wake up a few days later, or sometimes just a few hours, and everything just looks different. It's like waking up from a bad dream. I wonder "what was I so worried about?" All of my "problems" look silly, almost. If things felt like that all of the time, my life would be a whole lot easier. But I guess I have to accept that if I had a choice, I wouldn't suffer so this is something that I cannot control. I think it is all about realizing not to trust your thinking so much in those hectic moments (to the best of your ability) and waiting until things start to show up more clearly. 

Jul 25, 2015
May Be Acceptance without the one who accepts
by: Chris

Hi Adam, 

Just thought of writing what i am going through. 

When we try to accept so as to reduce suffering, it still requires an energy/contraction/effort to maintain the sufferer who suffers,and that itself is suffering. 

I feel then let it(the sufferer) suffer depending on the openness that is present at that moment towards the suffering which is very paradoxically healing and true acceptance ?.

Jul 26, 2015
by: Adam -

"Acceptance" is not really an action or a movement, but rather what is most clearly there when the little contraction of "me" dissolves. A great discomfort is the sense of "I, the person", an energy that claims responsibility for many other energies that arise, including resistance or acceptance.