by Andrea
(Costa Rica)
Question:
Hey, Adam.
I've been "doing" my best to surrender to my feelings and thoughts during this period of joblessness and looking for a Master's program abroad, but I'm finding that not losing your sanity can be difficult at times. I will not deny that I have feelings of desperation, anxiety, depression, guilt, etc. as well as the whirlwind of thoughts that come from this, as they are there and I observe them clearly. But I'm wondering what your thoughts are on these kind of situations. I'm tired of just sitting at home. They say that the best solutions often come from impersonal consciousness that lives behind the turbulence of everything going on in my mind and I'd like to get in touch with it and better make decisions and actions in this situation.
Thanks. :)
Response:
Hello,
Part of it is not assuming that you know what's best for you. Often pain comes if there is an idea of how things should be vs how we interpret them, and then our conditioning, or our dysfunction, says that to make things how we want them, we should suffer. Often feelings like this can come because we believe it is the only sane way to react, that if we at all want the best for ourselves, then we should feel conflict and upset in these situations.
If you did not have this kind of inner trauma, then what do you think would happen? Do you think this would mean you would be stuck forever in an undesirable situation? Do you think it would be counter-productive if you did not in some way fight with life?
If there is a surrender as a way to make things how you want them, then it is still a resistance lurking inside that is trying to manipulate life, from a very ineffective energetic standpoint. Like a person inside the body saying "if I get upset about this, then it will change to a situation that will make me feel good again" - investigate a little to see if any things like this are operating. If they are, then recognise them, let them be there, and without trying to get rid of them notice that they lack any power, or sense. All they do is create suffering, under the false promise of improving your life.
Your question was almost word for word the same as the title for this video which you may find helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQJnf9iassU
The whole world might seem to tell you that upset is necessary for you to 'improve' your life, or progress in some area, but it is not true. Sometime things like this can come to show old fears or insecurities that were always lurking inside and are ready to be released.
I imagine you are doing what you can in order to get what you want. For example, looking and applying for Masters courses. Then what else is there to do? Are you sure that it should be different to how it is? Investigate it without the mind of your society or parents or friends. If no one had taught you how to think, how to interpret and analyse life, then is there any problem at the moment? If there is no problem at the moment, then there is absolutely no problem.
Does that help?
Adam
P.S I realise I have not fully answered the last part of your message. For this impersonal consciousness to emerge more fully, then there has to be some space for it. This means not giving so much belief to your conditioning - who you think you are, how you think things should be, what is good and what is bad etc. But the process of making decisions or living in general, then becomes quite different. It is not such a feeling of being an isolated person trying to figure everything out. It is realising that you don't actually know anything for sure, what should be happening in your life, how things should be. How could you know?
From there, the personal construct begins to dissolve, and a greater intelligence can move in and live your life. Then your life doesn't belong to you, personally. If a decision is to be made, it just flows, or it arises pre-made, as a feeling of what to do. Of course if there is nothing to be done, this impulse will not be there. It doesn't prompt useless or wasteful activity. This intelligence is everywhere, in every cell of your body. Feel how your body operates from within, all the functions that are taking place that you have no input in. Feel the breathing, the heartbeat. It all happens impersonally, by itself.
When the struggle and condemnation of the moment begin to dissolve, then the general feeling of the body begins to change. What was uncomfortable and restricting now becomes lighter. It is easier to feel content and at ease, which is how we would like to feel in the future when we get what we want. So then, your sense of wellbeing is not dependent on something happening or not happening. In a sense, you already have what you want, not so desperate for something to happen, and yet able to move in whichever direction your instinct takes you.
Notice that something inside wants to fight life, judge it, create a victim story. And when it is noticed, you can laugh.
Most people carry the belief that "unless things are how I think they should be, I can not be fully happy." When there is this belief, it is a recipe for misery, since how often do things happen precisely as you think they should?