Giving Opinions And Following Social Values

Question:

Hello, Adam! I really admire the work you've done here. Being a 24 year old myself, I'm amazed at how much you've delved into the topic and how much it's worked, considering the stigma that there tends to be about people our age.

I have a question regarding giving opinions and following your inner values. I have been suffering with crippling anxiety since last July, started out by a bad past relationship. Long story short, things got worse and worse and then I found Paul's website (anxietynomore.co.uk) and book. Things have been getting better at a rate I never imagined and I am advancing towards recovery at a pace I'm happy with, though it requires patience. I realize that you give the same line of advice, delving more into the spiritual side.

One of the things that started my long road with anxiety was the fact that my ex-boyfriend liked to argue and contradict, for the sake of debate (and being right). Both him and me study political science in uni and it's very common for debates to start there. I've never been particularly fond of debates (because of dislike of confrontation, in one hand, and insecurity, probably a bigger factor than I've thought); this resulted, that I would state things and my ex would contradict them, I would try to refute (and get agitated and frustrated) and he would refute again, and I would just be in a such a hurt emotional place that I would leave it there, leaving me in emotional distress. This caused me to start obsessing about the topic, to the point that I started to become mentally dependent on his approval, and fearing (completely irrationally) that whenever I would read something on the newspaper, on my school texts, etc., he would argue with me if I brought it up. It was painful and completely mad.

That kind of left for a while but now it seems like it's transferred to my father, since he seems to posses the same kind of personality and antics (wanting always to argue for the sake of debate, and more so to win and rub his ego). It's caused me to obsess and get anxious everytime I read my texts from school about confrontation with him to extremely ridiculous extents--from extremely trivial things (like things I notice while I'm watching TV) to hearing lectures in school.

I've applied the same line of advice given by Paul and you and just let the thoughts be there, though it's incredibly frustrating, because in an environment where I'm supposed to, I guess, be in "thinking mode" (school) these thoughts always interrupt my line of thought or don't even let me start them in the first place. Also, I'll be casually talking with other family members and the slightest showing of opinion makes my mind fill up with dread and anxiety and frustration and anger. And then there's the situation where things are actually happening and my dad starts refuting at the table and I try to drive a point and it's always a nasty process, and it fuels up my incessant fear of the situation. It's...annoying to put it very mildly, and it's the thing that's keeping me the most in the anxiety cycle.

I've been mindful in situations of debate and argument and I've noticed just how much ego can (and does) play a part in them. So I'm left with two choices: either not take part in them (which isn't fair because then it means that my anxiety has completely robbed me of an activity that could let me grow intellectually, and I'm in avoidance mode, a big no no) or participate but end up feeling strange and not engaged (because while I'm mindful, I find it difficult to concentrate on the points at hand and I find the need to say things in return to be less and less).

I...don't want to give up my opinions and intellect (especially when it comes to deep values) because of anxiety and fear. But I also would like to be able to talk about things without getting so heated up and upset (as it seems to happen with most people). A true discussion, in which people share viewpoints and come to an agreement, not something personal and nasty.

My question is: how do you find inner peace when it comes to this situation? How can I overcome these thoughts and obsessions and think more freely? How would you recommend handling the topic of discussing opinions (especially those that are debatable) without losing your peace?

Any help would be very much appreciated. Thank you!

Response:

Hi Andrea, thanks for your question.

Overall I have four things mention:

1) Not identifying with opinions that arise in you

2) Letting other people be

3) Not expecting to come to an agreement

4) Presence outside debate

1) Not identifying with your own opinions

Not identifying with opinions does not mean that you will never have an opinion again. It does mean, however, that you do not look for yourself in them. You do not take them to be who you are, you do not derive an identity or sense of self from them. Opinions can change, and are by nature often unstable. You are that which is aware of an opinion arising and being formed. As awareness, you do not have opinions, but rather you are the space in which opinions come and go.

When you take an opinion to be who you are, you link your sense of self to it. Then when that opinion’s validity is threatened, you will feel threatened. As you have noticed, this is a big driving force in debates and arguments, even more so in school where people may think that their grades (and therefore future) is on the line. To question someone’s opinion can them feel as if they are in some way being threatened with death, and rather than it becoming a conceptual discussion about a matter, it becomes a fight for survival.

What if you did not identify with your own opinions? Even the opinions that seem to come from your heart rather than your mind? Let them be there, but do not identify yourself with them. Any useful opinions or viewpoints will remain with you, but the useless ones will leave. Stay present, stay empty inside. Allow what comes to come, allow what goes, to go.

(When anxious thoughts or emotions come, if frustration arises because of their interruptions, then this frustration is a form of resistance. Take another “step back” and do not resist this frustration. Allow it, be the witness of it.)

Then you may find yourself in a situation where you express a viewpoint. Then it may be challenged, but you do not have to defend yourself. Take the idea of yourself out of it. Only words are being spoken. Defensiveness and resistance, or frustration or annoyance may arise inside at any point, but these are also allowed to be as they are.

If a situation requires discussion (like at school), then you will likely find yourself explaining your viewpoint or even questioning another’s, but without a heavy sense of personality contaminating it. If your viewpoint is destroyed, you are not. Do not take the thoughts and opinions your mind generates too seriously. Then they can be discussed if necessary, but never clung to or identified with.

Not identifying with your own opinion may feel uncomfortable at first, as if you are being diminished. It may, on the other hand, feel liberating. Let this all happen. Let the ego or your mental sense of self diminish - either through your own disidentifications or through criticisms of others – but do not get sucked into thinking. Stay present. Only the unreal diminishes. Let the ego die, and see what remains – pure presence.

The sense of desperation to prove the validity of an opinion mostly comes from identifying with it, unconsciously trying to prove the validity of one’s own self. But this is a mistaken, conceptual self. You are affected by no opinion, whether it arises in you or someone else

Obviously this way of treating opinions would seem like madness to many, and often would not be understood. Of course when you treat opinions in this way and realise what you are (awareness), lose ego etc, the need to argue and debate becomes less and less. Your sense of self is no longer dependent on it. The mind may interpret this as somehow losing your ability to debate at work or school, but I see it a different way. All it means is that your inner state is different, and therefore your method of expression is different.

Some of the best debaters I have seen are very cool headed. They do not seem to get sucked in (as many do) into making the discussion a personal feud. They are not desperate to convince people of their views, yet they can still be enthusiastic – and that can give their words more power and volume. When you do not have the ego contaminating your discussions, you say whatever is required, but you are not dependent on your opinion or view being accepted by anyone. In this state, your mind is far clearer to actually come up with more articulate and intelligent responses. It is in service to the moment, not serving to preserve the ego. Your speaking becomes more spontaneous. It will come from awareness into thinking, rather than from just a bundle of personal thinking.

You may understand all of this, but habitual tendencies will likely still be occurring and operating inside. When they do come up, continue to let them be, surrender, do not identify. The frustration that comes up at school when they interrupt useful thinking, is also allowed to be and is not identified with. Don’t identify with anything at all. Doing this and not even expecting these energies to leave is, paradoxically, the quickest way to dissolve them (in my experience).

2) Let people be

Do not try to control other people.  Much anxiety comes when we unconsciously want to control what someone else thinks about us or what we say.  Give that up. You can not control it. All you can do is speak from the heart (or from a sense of awareness), and how people respond is not your business.  Mind your own business.  Stay inside yourself.  No need to speculate about how you are perceived or what will happen.  Habitual needs to control the way other people see you may rise, but this is witnessed, not judged, and not resisted.

No one has to agree with you.  The individuals you mention seem to be so blinded by ego and “being right” as you say, that they are no longer debating the issue at hand, they are just trying to preserve themselves.  You may have noticed a complete madness arise in them, where they are totally closed to any other opinion, even if the alternative view makes sense.  In these situations you can see that discussion is pointless, so you can keep quiet and not waste your energy.  It is ok to keep quiet.  Most will tell you it is rude or that it is weakness, but that is because people want you to confirm their existence by talking to them or reacting to their views or actions.

Let silence be your foundation, from where actions or words arise spontaneously, if required.

When you let people be as they are, you do not give your power away.  You become less reactive.  When you no longer react to another ego who is looking for an argument, they will likely get confused, or even upset. You will speak if it is required, but allow the moment to be as it is (which includes the situation, people and your own thoughts and emotions). Then you do what is required, but without trauma.  Letting the moment be means a greater intelligence takes over – you automatically speak if needed, keep quiet if not – there is no strategy involved, it is just natural.

Some people can not help but act out these argumentative traits.  It is not even them, just their conditioning.  It is as if someone is sleep walking.  If your dad was sleep walking, came up to you and started an argument with you, you would likely not take it too personally, since you know he is not at all conscious.   He is asleep.  Ego is the same thing, the individual does not realise what they are doing, but from an outside point of view, it seems as if they do. This is the illusion.

Again, the pull of the argument or personal concepts may activate inside.  Witness it, only be the observer of it.  You may even enter a realm of totally spontaneous speaking, where words are being spoken from you, but it does not even feel as if you are doing it.   It is just happening, impersonally.  Don’t expect this spontaneity to come though.  It will come of its own accord when you allow the moment to be as it is.  If you give over your personal will about what a situation should be, the universal will - will take over.  You need to take the first step by creating (or being aware of) the space for it – which comes with surrender to the present moment, being aware of inner and outer space, presence etc.

3) Not expecting to come to an agreement.

This follows on from point 2 – drop your expectations of what should happen.  For two people to have a calm conversation, two people are required to adopt a certain state of consciousness.  All you can do is be aware of your own inner state, and any transformative effects that has on the situation will occur by itself.

Be aware of your own reactions.  All reactivity, fear, anxiety, frustration, defensiveness, personality, sense of “I” – all of these are witnessed by you.  Stay inside.  Mental garbage may come up for a while, but it needs to come up and be released.  When all these things are kicking off inside, relinquish any opinion about how they should be.  Don’t place expectation on what you should or should not feel.  Allow, be the space or them.  Notice that the space in which all thought and emotion arises, is an empty space.  The space is not personal, is always here, and is unaffected by what arises in it.  Be the space, not the things in space.

If you have no expectation about where the discussion leads, what can trouble you?  Let it be.  In this state you will naturally do or say what is required.

4) Presence outside debate.

When you are not in a challenging situation, let this be the foundation for presence.  If you have no foundation of awareness, space, presence etc, then challenging events eg. with family or at uni will likely drag you in to negative reactivity.

As much as possible in your spare time, bring presence in.  Thoughts are ok, but be the awareness of them.  Listen to the voice in the head nonjudgementally.  Be empty inside.  Do not label the present moment or turn things into concepts. Be aware of space – inside or outside, direct attention away from thinking by being aware of the breath or feeling the body from within.  All of these things help increase presence and a sense of peace, so when an external event triggers a reaction inside, it is easier to witness it, rather than being dragged in by it.

With all of this said, if it resonates with you, you will find the need for personal debate, as you have mentioned. You will certainly not feel a need to argue or convince someone else of something.  

Yet, what you do say will come more from enthusiasm of a topic, rather than trying to just get “your opinion” across.  You may even find things being said, “confrontation” arising, debates happening, but it will not feel so heavy inside.  You will feel more space inside, less seriousness - so people can talk on the surface, but inside there is a more stable foundation/awareness of unchanging stillness.

Being fully present means you will be able to still be with the discussion and points being raised, but at the same time not to sucked in to the content of it all.

The last thing I feel to say is to give up your own self-judgments and opinions about who you are.  You are not a concept.  You are awareness.  So if self-judgments do still arise, don’t give them any importance. They are only thoughts generated by ego. If you have no opinion of yourself, the opinion others have of you will seem quite meaningless.

All obsessive behaviour and speculative activity of the mind is only witnessed by you.  It is not you.  All concepts of yourself and others are only thoughts, not the reality.

Thanks for your question.  If you would like to ask anything else, or if I missed anything, you can comment below or on page 1.

All the best

Adam