by Situ
(India)
Question:
Adam, its great to come across your website InnerPeaceNow.com accidentally while surfing internet.
You are doing a great job to those who seek spirituality outside the domain of religions. I am a born Hindu who is not staunch believer in rituals of Hindu religion.
Since childhood I was very confused about sex and its significance in our life. It was always between the urge of fulfilling the pleasure aspect of sex and being celibate. Before marriage I didn't experience sex. Now I am married for 16 years and have a 15 year old son who is autistic.
My marriage is fantastic and I have very satisfying sex life. Now at the age of 43 years, I feel like straying away for sex outside marriage as I feel like having a normal child with another woman. I am in a relationship with a married woman who is not happy with her marriage.
With a conscious way of living my life I know it’s inappropriate, but my egoic mind is dragging me ahead. The justification I have is that my wife cannot give me a normal child.
Adam, please help me out.
Response:
Ok. I am not sure what your question is, or what you wish me to say. From your message it seems as if you have a great marriage, but because you would like a child who does not have autism, you want to have sex with other women. I have no idea if your current wife is aware of this or not.
This seems like madness to me, although I understand that I am not in your situation. How do you know that it is because of your wife that your child is autistic? What if it is due to your genes rather than hers? Is this not possible? Why would you even want another child? Is it because you think it would make you happy? Do you not love your current child? Do you label the child mentally as autistic and carry resentment, rather than viewing the child as they are? Are you aware that the mainstream view of autism is seen by some people to be a complete misunderstanding of what autism is? What is a “normal” child – one without autism? What is autism anyway really? Is it not something that is in all of us but in varying degrees?
It is a coincidence perhaps that two days ago I watched a TEDx Teen talk given by a teenager who was diagnosed with autism, to such an intense degree that therapists said he would never be able to talk or learn anything. He was placed in a non-learning class at school since they thought he was a lost cause. He ended up, at the age of 10, learning trigonometry, algebra and calculus to a college level (within 2 weeks), and was soon after accepted into a college. He also came up with an original solution to a calculus problem which is beyond my understanding of course, that has yet to be disproven. He said something along the lines of “I bet there is a therapist watching this talk who is freaking out right now”. If you are interested, here is the link to the talk on YouTube.
From my limited understanding of autism, it seems that no one understands it. Perhaps rather than being an actual condition, it is simply a label given to individuals that carry certain behaviours. Are your mind’s judgements actually trustworthy?
Stop being possessive. You say “my wife can’t give me a normal child”. Don’t treat children as if they are possessions. This is normal in society to some degree, to act as if you own the children, but in reality you do not. If you stopped acting like you own any other being, then you may not find yourself carrying such resistance to your current situation, and you may not feel such a strong urge to “have” another child different to your son.
I feel to say again, the way your mind has created the idea of a “normal” child must imply that when you look at your child now you are really looking at your mind's labels of the child. Stop judging the child in this way.
You are right in that the ego seems to have consumed you and your intentions. These desires should not be given any credit. From where I am, they seem to be selfish and strange desires of the human dysfunction. Let them be there, but do not identify with them, watch how they try to consume all of your attention, how they attempt to seduce. Watch this without being a slave to desire. Just watch the inner energies. This will weaken their grip.
This is not about whether polygamy or monogamy are right or wrong. It is more the fact that you seem to believe you will be better off if you get someone else pregnant who can have a child without autism. How do you know that would even happen? What if the next child had some other apparent disability – would you then go out and try to get someone else pregnant?
One of the worst reasons to have a child is because you think it will make you happy. Be aware of how your mind creates an ideal picture of how life should be, and then tells you it is different from the way things are now, and that if you had a so-called “normal child” (of which there is no such thing), then you would be happy. Stop placing all your expectations on what is outside. Turn in, surrender, keep quiet.
What you are is far beyond all of this personal stuff. Go beyond form, accept what the present moment holds without reservation, be aware of the force of Life that permeates all things, and is one with who you are. These intentions you speak of are meaningless in comparison.
It is also possible your mind is trying to escape your current situation. Go the other way, accept it, use it to destroy your ego and its expectations, and therefore naturally bring peace and harmony into this world.
Another possibility is that your justification is not true, but instead is a cloak that hides the intention of simply seeking some next pleasure or excitement somewhere else. This can be destructive to families, and again is not worth entertaining as a genuine impulse to action. It only comes from natural dissatisfaction of the ego, which is not who you are.
From a practical point of view, be there for your wife and child and disregard your mind’s false, serpent-like promises of a better life with a different child. Fully accept what life has brought you with your current familial situation. Instead of wanting it to be different, accept it as if you had chosen it. If you do this, you will see miraculous results.
I can not tell you what to do. What do I know? I can only point you to live from Truth rather than from falsity. From Truth, there is no one to ask what to do. There is only Life. Action takes care of itself. What is aware of all the inner feelings? All labels, desires, intentions, resistance, hopes and dreams - you are the awareness of these things. Do not identify with what arises in your awareness.
The question you have asked, of course, is based on you. But who are you in the first place? This person that has these deliberations and desires – what is it? Is this “I” actually real, or is it in fact simply a thought that has been given belief and strengthened through the conditioning of family and society? Live from truth, emptiness, surrender, be aware that the sense of doer-ship is another illusion of the mind. Locate the inner person, and confirm whether or not they actually exist. What remains without concepts of yourself? Yourself.
This has been challenging to answer, since I do not know you in a personal way and I am not aware of your situation other than how I have interpreted your message, therefore I realise I may have made false assumptions, if so I apologise, but be aware that anything I seem to be speaking against is the falsity that lives in you, rather than the truth of what you are. I don’t know anything really, but this is what has been written. You may feel your mind become defensive or angry, watch this happen, don’t be consumed by it. None of this is advice you have to follow if you do not want, but I don’t feel I can say much else.
Thanks for your message, be well,
Adam
Comments for Family Dilemma
(from previous website)
Apr 03, 2014
Family Dilemma
by: situ
Thanks Adam for your response. I know I was not clear in posing the correct question to you but I got my answer.
Apr 03, 2014
GOOD RESPONSE
by: RSB INDIA
MR. ADAM,
YOUR RESPONSE IS REALLY GOOD.
Apr 03, 2014
What an honest reply
by: Lorraine
This is such an honest and direct answer, the power and truth behind it could help people who are thinking of risking a good marriage. I do hope it helps the person that contacted you to become close and content with his family.
Apr 03, 2014
happiness from an unknown future
by: max
This may sound harsh and I speak from seeing a family member who was trying to find a partner simply to give them another child. How on earth do you know how the next child would turn out? It is not beyond the realms of possibility that the next child could also have an imperfection of some sort, your ego may then search for another partner! My advice would be stop the affair and concentrate all your love on your wife and child. Many in the world would be grateful for what you have.
Good luck
Max
Jun 17, 2015
Nice you thought about asking for advice.
by: EGO
Ego finds way to create more suffering ,be kind and obey ego for intense suffering , for peace look within immediately.