(USA)
Question:
Adam
I appreciate the wisdom that you have provided.
My wife is in a constant state of depression, anger and loneliness that seems to stem from almost every interaction she has with her family especially with her Mother. Her Mother lost her husband a few years ago and treats her live-in Son of 26 as if he was her husband as well as enables his Hereon addiction. When she is not drinking she is not happy.
My wife grew up as the "Hero" in a Alcoholic family dynamic, from a child to young adulthood she was the cook, Maid, and segregate mother to her 2 younger siblings from a different father, her father left when she was very young and her step father was verbally/physically abusive with no intervention by her mother more so her mother was the same way. This lasted until she moved out at 18 years old.
Each one of them play the victim card about how their lives are so bad.
My wife lives each and everyday trying to help and support her Mother and siblings her efforts come with nothing in return little to no appreciation nor acknowledgment for her sacrifices.
All she wants is their love and appreciation.
After every interaction whether on the phone or in person with any of them, she returns unhappy, depressed, angry and ready to argue.
In short it saddens me because she is a wonderful person, Mother and Wife.
When we try to discus these issues about her family and or why she is upset, it ends up turning into a huge argument.
I have suggested space/time apart but it's hard for her she ends up feeling guilty.
I feel helpless and this is going to tear us apart.
Any word of wisdom and/or advice?
Thank you
Vernon
Response:
Hi Vernon,
I'm not sure if I'm in a position to advise you specifically. Perhaps, since your attempts to directly help or resolve your wife's issues through discussion do not seem to be working, is it possible to simply be there for her as an open, nonjudgemental space, that allows her to feel however she is feeling?
Obviously if you see a loved one experiencing any kind of pain, there is an immediate urge inside to try to relieve it, to help them, or to remove the pain. Sometimes, however, this urge can do more harm than good, as it is a resistance to the experience, a denial of the moment, and it does not get to the root of anything. Is it possible to let your wife feel however she is feeling, without trying to fix it for her? I'm not sure to what extent this already happens, since obviously I can only go on the words you provided.
Perhaps give no advice unless it is specifically asked for? By all means you can be there, present for her, but without naming the situation mentally, without describing how she is feeling in your head, without telling a story about what is happening. Then you can sense the situation energetically rather than just through thinking, and a response, actions or words may emerge from a deeper place, an intelligent stillness within.
You could just try it for a day - don't attempt to fix it. See what happens.
Hope that may help you in some way
Adam