by MC
(USA)
Question:
I have been doing a lot of inner work to become more present and in the past year have had many insights on how my current conditioning has brought me to where I am. Which makes me resist and not want to be where I am. And then I start to blame my parents, particularly my mother, for being the way she is with me and everyone else, including my sisters and my children. I get angry over her unconsciousness. I get angry over my father's passivity. This seems to take over more when I am emotionally "unstable" and less aware. Most importantly, when something comes up for me to look at from my conditioning, when something goes "wrong" I get angry and blame my mother. I basically judge myself for judging myself, and it is this cycle.
There was a point where I was not seeking her approval and then something happened to where she was not comfortable with this and we had a huge argument. She was not approving of my spiritual practice nor what tools I gave my daughter to help with her anxiety. Since then I have felt that my awareness and my need for her validation has increased. I felt that I gave some of my power away. My children and I are currently staying with my parents and have been for over a year. I find that perhaps I still feel dependent on her because she baby sits my children and does so much for me, that I supress my feelings about her way of being.
Your insights would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
Response:
Hi,
Know that if you seek approval from anyone, you can never really be happy. You might feel happy if everyone approves of you, but I think this might be an impossibility. Even saints and sages have been disliked by people. It is interesting that you say when you did not care for your mother’s approval, it stirred things up. If someone feels you do not need their approval, they will usually relax or they will tighten even more if they have been resting on that for years, using it as a way to manipulate you.
One of the biggest traps is to seek approval of the parents. That is how people live a life doing what their parents wanted, rather than what they wanted. Perhaps you feel like this has happened with you? I’m not sure, but in any case, see that the blame, of yourself or of another, does nothing to liberate, it only enslaves. It keeps you feeling like a victim of the past, and it keeps the idea of your parents as powerful beings who have had control of you for so long. But none of that is really true, it is for the most part a story that is believed in. You can let yourself feel that blame, that restriction, that unforgiveness, and in that allowing, you can see that it is not actually serving you. These kinds of feelings pretend that they are aids to help pull you out of an undesirable situation, but if anything they just keep you feeling more entrenched in it. You do not have to push these feelings away, they will go by themselves, especially when you see their futility, without condemning them.
The only reason we ever seek approval or acceptance from others, is nothing to do with others. It is that inside we feel shaky and unsure and perhaps ashamed, so feel that we need someone else to put that to rest. No one ever tells you to accept your flaws or imperfections. We are usually told to work on them, perfect them, or make them into how others think they should be. Accept what you may interpret as flaws or imperfections in yourself. No person is perfect. The moment you stop trying to improve yourself or other people, is the moment a more intelligent space can emerge.
It is not your job to fix your mother if she becomes upset or angry, with you or in general. Whenever someone is angry with you, they genuinely believe that you are the reason they are in pain, and that unless you behave a certain way, they can not be released. And then if you believe that as well, you will feel like it is your responsibility to fix them to make them happy, but the task is so difficult and frustrating, because it was never your responsibility in the first place. You are not giving the other person any suffering and then saying “there, deal with that.” No, it is all created with themselves, but with a clever mind-trick that says “something outside of me is the reason for my upset” - when it is actually an inner creation.
Notice the same goes when it is the other way around. There is a belief that certain feelings are because of someone else’s uncontrollable actions. But they are created within you. Just noticing that can be huge.
You can’t really give your power away. It is always there. But you can begin to believe in someone else’s worldview, which feels inauthentic and powerless. Have fun with not seeking approval. Just watch how uncomfortable it makes other people. It is good for them as well, it is taking away their fake crutches.
In general, don’t pay too much attention to what human beings tell you. Our race has been mad. If all humans were wiped out, everything else would flourish and bloom. We think that our world of concepts, of separation is real. But it is just like a shared dream.
You mentioned your anger over your mother’s unconsciousness. Obviously unconsciousness means that the person is not doing it consciously. It is like they are sleepwalking. Would you blame her if she was sleepwalking, and walked up to you and began to shout at you? No, you would not take it personally, because you can see that she is just in her own dreamworld, acting things out without knowing. That is what unconsciousness is.
So much suffering comes from believing people should be better versions of themselves. It is not your job to improve anyone. People are messed up by their parents when their parents constantly criticise them, thinking this criticism will make their children in to better versions of themselves. It usually has the opposite effect. You don’t have to take the same attitude with your parents. You don’t have to expect anything from them. If you don’t expect them to fit into your idea of how they should be, there is much more space, and more room for natural appreciation, and expression. It can also effect the entire energy of a household when one person is not trying to fix anyone else into how they think they should be
So perhaps notice how often you have the idea of "how they should be", and notice that as well as this, the extra inner or outer complaining, does not fix them into better versions, as it pretends it will.
Remember that people are great teachers. They show you what you still believe about yourself, they highlight all resistance that lives in you, they let you see the limitations that you may still be believing about yourself. Treat it like that, and it will give you a different outlook.
That’s all I have for now, but feel free to comment or ask something below,
Adam
Comments for How To Stop Blaming Parents?
(from previous website)
Feb 17, 2016
Thank you!!!
by: Mc
Your response was amazing!! Thank you so so much!! Very helpful.
I do have another question- this has to do with my daughter. I notice that I have come to want her to be different as well. I feel like she should spend less time on the computer and get outside and enjoy life. I'm concerned that she's only in her virtual world. Sometimes I can't make a connection with her because she only gets defensive.
I feel like she doesn't trust me or my suggestions like breathing and noticing her thoughts. I want her to express her emotions openly and not suppress them like I had been taught to do, but she accuses me of only preaching and wants to hear nothing about these tools. She is 12 and I want to be able to be a conscious parent to her and give her space. But mostly, I seem to come off like my mother comes off to me. Only pester. And I feel like I can't get out of that matrix at times. I have felt immensely powerless when I have felt like she bites my head off.
I feel like I am also allowing my parents opinion of what she should and should not be doing influence my own parenting. Example: When I walk into a room and she's on the computer, I notice her flinch and cower like she's ready for my complaint. And i know my energy reflects that I'm annoyed at her for being on the computer even if I don't say it.
Feb 18, 2016
Response
by: Adam - InnerPeaceNow.com
I’m not sure what to say in response to that. Children always learn primarily by example, not by being told what to do. So if you are resentful or complaining about her being on the computer, then telling her she must be more mindful of her thoughts, then it will lack any authenticity. You can not force these things on to people, but they are there when they are open to them.
I’m not sure what your own habits are. When your daughter sees you at home, what are you doing? Are you looking at a screen, are you worrying about something, how do you do things - hurriedly, anxiously, calmly, gently? That is where a child first begins to learn how it should think and act - from how the parents do.
Be aware if you are still lost in your own virtual world of thoughts and interpretations.
You can notice the futility of complaining if it does nothing to change the situation.
Do you go outside and enjoy life like you want her to?
How do you express yourself? Do you say "I feel like this…" or do you let that emotion pick its own words and speak through you?
Are there any rules to how long to spend on the computer? I don’t know if there should or should not be, but if there aren’t, then is any annoyance really justified?
I’m not sure what else to say, but perhaps some of that can help
Adam
Mar 14, 2016
thanks Adam
by: m
I had some resistance to your last response. Which demonstrates that some of the things you asked were triggers to me.
I appreciate your response and for pointing out the areas still needing embraced in me.
Mar 14, 2016
Thanks
by: Adam
Hi, it's great that you are open enough, honest enough and conscious enough to see that resistance arise. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, remember. You don't have to add more conflict to yourself, struggling to live up to an "ideal" image of yourself as a parent, but questions like those can point out certain things, as you noticed.
Adam
Jul 05, 2016
encouragement NEW
by: Judy
Adam your responses are more (supernatural downloads) happy to see your points well taken and the willingness for growth. Continue to be MC!!!