Question:
Hi Adam,
I recently spent some time with my husband's family to attend a family event. I had some difficulty with one of his close family members. During our time together she kept me out of the conversation as if I was invisible, she never looked in my direction to totally ignored me.
How do I avoid feeling rejected and emotionally depleted in her company?
Response:
Hello,
Thanks for your message.
The main thing you have to do is decide whether you want her to be able to control your inner state. Do you want to give her that level of control?
To go a step further, you can investigate whether she actually does have any control in the first place. Is she placing feelings of rejection or depletion into your mind and body? Or are the feelings coming from within you?
What you are experiencing might feel like natural responses. There is nothing wrong with them. They are attempts to put things right. Somewhere in our conditioning we believe that if we feel bad enough inside, then perhaps someone will notice and make us feel better. Or they can be feelings of resistance, trying to push back on a situation that you don't like.
No one can control how you feel if you start to practice the realisation that your inner world is your own. When we place more importance on the opinions, actions or words of others, compared to the importance we place on how we feel inside, then there is a tremendous imbalance, a disempowerment, and the signal of disempowerment comes as the kinds of feelings you were experiencing.
Of course we can often be raised to believe that how we are perceived by others is far more important than how good we feel within ourselves. We can be trained into only giving ourselves permission to feel good if everyone else approves of us.
It comes down to a simple choice. Either you wait for her permission to feel good and comfortable and secure within yourself, or you go straight towards that state of being without asking anyone else's permission. How would it feel to feel secure and content within yourself, without needing someone to give you the "thumbs up" beforehand? Ask the question, and you can experience the answer.
Her issues are her own. You can't control how she acts, and the uncomfortable feelings you have are attempts to control her behaviour in some way. If you realise she is out of your control, what she does will lose its importance for you.
You might even find yourself saying to her how you feel, but it won't come with conflict, it will just be an honest expression of how you see it, and how you feel in response. Or maybe you won’t even be bothered anymore.
Thanks for your question, I hope that can help. Feel free to respond and we can continue the dialogue.
All the best,
Adam
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