Question:
Hi Adam,
I have been asking myself who am I and going into introspection of the self enquiry. I have come across a doubt and wondered if you can maybe elaborate on what that might be?!
As soon as I ask the question, I immediately understand that I am not looking for the answer to this question, but, that the question is bringing my awareness to it. If that makes sense? That I am the awareness only. I then watch youtube videos and read about the self enquiry and really get from a deeper level, rather than an intellectual level what I am, this pure awareness. Like eyes floating through space? I know I am trying to intellectualize it and this is when I run into my problem. My brain is still trying to make sense of this awareness I have come to realize, and I observe the brain trying to figure it out and be like a dog chasing it's own tail, I even become aware of how much anxiety it can produce in the body.
I also know the more alert I become there is nothing. Absolutely nothing, stillness, just pure aware, but recently the mind convinces me that either this is boring and it will fluctuate with throwing me memories of the past or images of trying to predict a future. I watch this, sometimes I identify with it and then I am back in the game. I even witness my frustration of trying to stay so alert all the time.
My question is, the more practice I do staying with the alertness, does it become second nature? Because at the moment it's very much like an effort, constantly reminding myself it's just thoughts, that's just an emotion, that's just a sensation. . . I feel like I am going crazy and again, I observe this. It's like I am observing a body malfunctioning! I don't even know if I am doing it right. Basically, I just wondered if you had steps for self enquiry, because though I can be absolutely alert and there is nothing in my mind for a few seconds, sometimes a few minutes, I find myself even doubting this is the truth.
I look forward to your reply and I hope you can elaborate. Maybe I am thinking that something amazing is going to happen once I find truth. Maybe I have concepts and idea's about truth. . . but I always thought when you reach truth, all doubts are gone, I wouldn't even be asking you for advice as I would know. I would feel within myself that I am home, or I'm just that, the awareness. But when I become the awareness, I can't help feel, is this it? Is this really truth? The majority of the time it just seems to lead to more confusion more than anything else.
Hope you can help, thank you for your time Adam.
Dan.
Response:
All of this mess is created by “I”. Stop saying “I”, stop claiming that you are anything. Forget all concepts, tales of experience, ideals, predictions, responsibility to find anything. Stop saying “I”.
If self-enquiry happens, it may do spontaneously, let it be genuine, without trying to get to a point of awareness or freedom or whatever. It is best if it is spontaneous and genuine - “what am I at the deepest level?”. I don’t want to give you too many words because the mind has created a new mess out of it, which is not your fault or something to be blamed for, but it has obviously, as you say, taken it all conceptually.
Just give up concepts about all of this, they are extremely misleading. You feel you exist, that is it. if you read the words of a master, his words should enter your heart and do their work without you needing to intervene, The mind replaying the words of a master on auto-loop are just thoughts like any other. There is nothing to achieve by anyone. You are not an entity. That’s all I feel to say.
Hope that can help,
Adam
P.S. The very search for something is what makes you feel as if the "real you" is at a distance, somewhere else to be attained or realised. Really the "me" that searches, that wishes to find or achieve something, is the very energy that masks the Self.
The mind will also testify that awareness must be a thing. It can not understand any of this. How could awareness be a thing that can be seen?
Comments for A Question On Self-Enquiry
(from previous website)
Feb 21, 2015
Thank you
by: Adam
Soon as I read your reply, a light went on. Thank you. There just seems to be so much going on in my mind since I started self enquiry, that I felt I couldn't just be an audience to. Maybe it's conditioning that I have to be someone, something, that I have to fix this, that I am mentally unstable, that there is something wrong with me, etc.
So, tonight, I sat reading your reply and you said drop the I. At first, there was resistance and a belief of non-existence until I realised all of this is simply a thought that kick off physical symptoms in me and straight away I am convinced in what the mind is saying. I don't know how else to put it, but I get what you say, from the heart. And no, awareness cannot be seen, the self cannot be seen as the self is not form!
Thank you again for your time and advice. Sometimes I observe something inside of me cannot deal very well with uncertainty, or an energy gives off this bad smell if you like and creates the mind to worry about the energy felt in the body. Then it all becomes very 'mindy' if that makes sense?! I get it though, not only drop the I, drop everything, including the words I type, speak and think :) Thank you.