by Kim
(Scranon, PA)
Question:
Hello, my dealings with my brother have become unbearable. My brother, due to his own actions with parents, was not present in our lives for 10 plus years. My father then mother passed, both with no will. Now, he is back in picture because of estate. He says he was forced out of family and now wants to be a part of every aspect of the estate. He lives in another state (flying only) and is fighting in me trying to settle estate because he doesn't want me to be administrator. Talks about selling parents' home, which I moved into to be their caretaker. I offered to buy him out and his response is "NO". No matter what I offered he refuses. He doesn't respond to my calls and tells others that I am being uncooperative. I need to grieve for my parents but his constant holding onto whatever he feels is not letting me. I need to move forward, how can I deal with him without being hurt or angry and just be able to let go of this relationship so it doesn't rule my feelings and actions.
Response:
Hi, I'm not sure.
You say him holding on to his feelings is not letting you grieve. Is this true? A thought may say it is true, but is the thought to be believed? Is it just the thoughts that say "him acting like this does not let me grieve"? Is it actually just the mind that says these things?
Notice the resistance, the complaining about the situation, but don't condemn the thoughts or feelings. Just notice them, notice how helpful they are to the situation. You don't have to try to get rid of them, but see to what extent they serve you.
Let yourself feel however you feel, without interpreting how you feel.
Let go of trying to control how someone else is acting. It is not under your personal control anyway, and clearly it does not seem to be working here.
I don't know if I can say much else, sorry if I can not be more help.
You asked how to let go of the relationship without pain...is there a part of you that in a strange way enjoys holding on to it? Is there any subtle enjoyment of the pain and drama? Notice if there is, and then laugh.
Adam