Question:
Hello Adam,
A friend recommended your page. I had a look around your site but didn't find an answer/question that relates with an issue I have.
It's about my dad. We haven't got the best of relationships. He physically attacked me once for a silly lie I told when I was younger. Years passed and soon I was noticing that my dad would tell a lot of lies himself. This hurt me because he physically hurt/bullied me for the exact same reason. When I confronted him about it years later, he then denied it and continued to tell more and more lies, even about myself to others.
Anyway, now I avoid him at all costs. I never visit him. I refuse to answer his calls. But, it's now leaving me with a heavy heart. Even the doctor diagnosed me with stress and tension. Asked me if anything is bothering me. It is. My dad. I don't know how to deal with him. I can confront him again, but I suspect he'll lie and make a fool of me again. I even wrote a letter, there was a release there, but it wasn't enough. I know I have to let my dad know what is going on with me. I know I can't go on avoiding him. I just don't know how to go about it. I still don't trust him.
I will appreciate any advice, suggestions or any reply back. Thank you for your time Adam.
Much gratitude,
Darren
Response:
Hi.
Well, I don’t know. I wouldn’t say that you have to know either. We are often so reliant on planning out what we are going to do and say, that it suffocates the spontaneous way of talking that we all have. So if the phone rings and you don’t want to answer it, then you don’t have to. If it rings and you feel you can’t just keep ignoring it, then pick it up. You don’t have to worry about the next step. You don’t even have to say anything. He can’t hurt you over a phone line, so perhaps just see what happens. If you just give yourself some space to be as you are, you may well find that whatever needs to be said, is said, without drama.
Is it actually your dad-situation that is bothering you, causing stress and tension? If you look into it, you may see that even if you have not heard from your father for days, you will be still feeling heavy. So is it really someone or something else doing it? Is it anything other than thoughts that flow into the mind, which are instantly believed and then create suffering? It might not even be thoughts, it might be just the feelings of the heavy heart. Let the heart be heavy, if that’s what it is doing. Don’t fight against yourself, that is the main thing.
If you aren’t battling against any feelings of guilt or heaviness, then they can’t cling to any resistance in you. They may claim to be important, crave belief, saying perhaps that unless you feel bad, then you are not a good son, but experiment with simply not believing the thoughts that come. See what happens.
Often we can blame others for our present suffering. We can say (or at least believe): “You did this to me a while ago. Although I no longer have physical pains, I have emotional ones. And it is your fault.” As long as we believe that someone else, or some past event, is responsible for our present suffering, then we will always feel a victim of it. We will believe that it is not possible to be released from it, because it was caused by a factual event or action of another, as if the two are one. But they are not. Look at the resentment that is still inside you. It may not be comfortable but there is no need to judge it. No need to call it wrong or bad, no need to push it away. If it is just watched, without placing an opinion on it, it is usually seen as no longer serving you, a burden you no longer need to bear.
Perhaps it will also help to no longer expect anything from your father. If you don’t expect him to be any kind of way, then it is less likely that you will feel so reactive to everything he says or does. If you do not demand him to be sane, honest, non-hypocritical, then it will not seem so frustrating if you witness behaviours that seem to go against this.
Rather than working out what you need to do, just forgive yourself for feeling however you are feeling. In other words, let yourself feel exactly how you feel, without reaching for an alternative. From here, everything else can follow naturally, without you having to struggle to find a solution.
You may feel as if speaking with him is the only way to relieve your stress. It can certainly help, but it delays your release, and might still leave you feeling resentful if he responds negatively to what you say. Don’t wait for permission to feel better. Let yourself be, without condemning, interpreting, or criticising the present experience.
Hope that can help in some way. Thanks for your message.
Adam
Comments for How Do I Deal With My Lying Dad?
(from previous website)
Jun 02, 2016
Hating One's Own Traits In Others NEW
by: Adam - InnerPeaceNow.com
Also although it may seem unfair and ridiculous that your father attacked you because of a lie, when he often lies himself, it is probably that because he lies himself, that he reacted so strongly when you told one. There is often an unconscious part of the human mind which will attack its own traits in others. So a judgemental person will constantly accuse others of being judgemental, or an angry person will always see and hate the anger in others. It is not as personal as it seems to be.