Forgiving Parents
Question:
How do you really forgive a parent who acted like your own worst enemy? How do you really ever forgive that? Or move on from that?
Response:
Hi,
There are different approaches you can take.
If forgiveness seems too hard, you can work your way out of it. Writing it out can help. Start off where you are. Write out how hurt you are, how you feel, what happened and all of your feelings about it. Get everything out onto a page. Then read it.
Once you get all the negative stuff out onto a page, which might take a few tries, see if you want to write anything that makes you feel better. Even if it's only slightly better.
Here is an example:
1st try:
I hate how you held me back at all costs. I hate you for taking all of your pain out on me. I didn't deserve the awful treatment you gave me. I am still suffering because of what you did to me, and I find it impossible to forgive you. I hate you.
2nd try
I wish I could forgive you and be free from what you did to me, but I can't. The memories and reflexes are all still within me and I feel scarred. I would like to find peace, to be free, to forgive and let go. It would be nice to at least experience some freedom from the memories that I no longer want. It doesn't serve me to hold on to how terrible you were. It would be better if I could be free from all of your madness.
3rd try
I like the idea of being free. I like the feeling of possible renewal. I like pretending that I'm free from everything you did. It was never about me. There was something in you that didn't know how to act in a sane way. I like the idea that you don't dictate my life anymore. I like knowing that there is a possibility of being free from that past, I like the idea that maybe you and what you did doesn't have to affect the way I feel in this moment. I haven't forgiven you completely, but I know that the more I forgive what happened, the better I feel.
4th try
This isn't about you anymore. It's about me and how I want to feel. This is my life. I'm not willing to let you spoil it. It's up to me how I feel. I'm not being weak by forgiving what happened. I'm freeing myself. I want to be free. I want to be who I really am. If I actually forgive what happened, I actually feel freedom. This isn't about letting you off the hook or saying it was okay what you did. It's about letting myself off the hook. It's about realising that forgiveness frees me from what I never wanted. It means I travel further and further away from trauma until it doesn't want to be with me anymore. You've shown me that a past does not have to affect a future. I am willing to give up who I thought I was, and walk through this life in a fresh, unburdened way that no longer gives importance to past painful experiences. I seek joy and peace. That's what I like.
You can even keep going from there.
Does that help?
Adam Oakley