Dealing With Regrets and Mistakes
Hello everyone,
Happy New Year. Last week's article was about unconditional confidence (click here to read).
There was a follow-up question about something that might not be directly applicable to you, but might be useful in relation to any addictive behaviours, or things you do that you end up regretting.
Hope it's helpful...
Response to last week's email:
Adam,
I just want to let you know how beautifully written that was. It really does help me SO much!
See, where I was getting stuck is that whenever I was starting to feel my confidence, I really did believe I had to look a certain way first so I never really relaxed into it. Now I can see how looks really are secondary. It seems that when I am in my confidence or just in a good mood in general, I definitely feel that I look better.
So nicely written :) I will definitely forward it to a few friends!!!
I have one more, unrelated, question for you that has to do with regrets and making the same mistake over and over. Specifically, I am making the mistake of getting together with my ex even though I know he does not want anything serious. Even though every time I see him it hurts after, I never seem to think about it in the moment.
I guess what I am trying to ask you is, when do we get to the point where we are just fed up and really see what we need to in order to stop something we are doing? I feel like some things are easy to stop doing and I learn the lesson right away, but other things feel almost impossible to stop doing, EVEN THOUGH I am experiencing bad consequences.
Thank you for all of your help!!
Response:
Great to know that it was helpful for you. Glad I could help, thank you for letting me know.
As for your other question - it probably ends when the pain outweighs the initial pleasure. If the pleasure provides an "up" from where you currently are (how you are currently feeling) then it is natural to want to seek better feelings, more happiness, more satisfaction. Don't beat yourself up for doing what feels good to begin with.
The less you beat yourself up for going back, the less resistance you place on your path. Less resistance means more satisfaction, inner contentment, and gradually the calls from pleasure that lead to an unsatisfactory dead end will start to weaken.
Either it ends when the pain and dissatisfaction becomes too strong, or it ends when you feel good enough already so that meeting with your ex actually makes you feel worse. It feels like a step back.
What do you actually want from him? Ask yourself and be honest. It's probably more than just physical pleasure. Probably feelings of love or connection or affection or acceptance or security or company. Just like confidence, all of these feelings can be accessed within you NOW if you no longer demand they come from anything outside of you. We get taught to think that we need "x y and z" to feel good, and before we get those things, it's foolish to feel good or satisfied. Try the other way around. Allow the feelings of what you want. Allow the feeling of love, without demanding someone to give it to you. Let yourself feel at ease without someone else right next to you.
Then you don't need these things from anyone else, so the cycle you mentioned won't seem so appealing. You might also find, quite accidentally, that when you allow these kinds of feelings within yourself solely as a way to improve the quality of your life, someone else might turn up who matches your energy in a far better way.
Hope that can help too, feel free to write back if there is anything else.
Let yourself feel the love within yourself first. Just invite it and allow it.
That will probably change the whole game for you.
All the best,
Adam
Inner Peace Now > Emotional Wellness > Regretting Seeing My Ex-Boyfriend