So: let yourself feel how you feel. Often we feel hatred and then say “no” to it, because it is uncomfortable, or we are told it is bad, or we know on some level that it does not help us in any way. But until it is fully given its own space, it will always feel as if it is stuck in a conflict, one part of you hating, the other part not wanting to be hating. So allow the hatred, without calling it hatred...
It can feel like the most difficult and anti-intuitive thing to actually let pain be there. Letting pain be there is not really a “doing” or an action or something you have to try to maintain. It can often come when nothing else seems to work, when it is clear that there is resistance to the pain, which is not doing anything to help it...
Do we consciously, effort-fully try to be present all the time so to evade thinking (which seems impossible), or do we have a mixture of both (don't jump on trains of association - don't fuel thoughts, but also if a thought arises then just watch it with nonjudgment and objectivity and allow it to pass)?
I don't know. I don't think I can tell you what to do, or what the best action to take is. All I can ask you is do you want to keep up the relationship? Do you enjoy the relationship? Do you like being around him, do you gain anything from the relationship, does it enrich your life, does it make you feel good?
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